Daria (TV Series)

The Big House (1997)

Tracy Grandstaff: Daria Morgendorffer

Quotes 

• Jodie Abigail Landon : Hey, you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game?

  Daria : Are you kidding?

  Jane Lane : We'll take two.

  Daria : What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs?

  Jodie Abigail Landon : You weren't here last year, Daria.

  Mr. Anthony DeMartino : [flashback: Mr. DeMartino pushes puck along the floor, and is body-checked by Rock & Roll Randy]  Argh!

  [clutches chest and collapses to floor] 

  Rock 'N' Roll Randy : Rock and roll, foreva!

  Mr. Anthony DeMartino : Help... me... !

  [Flashback ends] 

  Jodie Abigail Landon : Mr. DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died.

  Jane Lane : But a voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet. This year, he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.

  Mr. Anthony DeMartino : [Cut to Mr. DeMartino on exercise equipment, suspended upside-down by his feet and doing sit-ups]  Three hundred ninety-eight... three hundred ninety-nine... fooouuur hundred! Ahh... Rock & Roll Randy, this year you're mine.

  [cut ends] 

  Daria : What are you saying?

  Jodie Abigail Landon : You know how there are people who go to car races on the chance that they might see a crash?

  Daria : I'm in.

• Jake : [Daria is playing the harmonica in her room; Jake enters]  Yeah, hi, Daria. I was kind of wondering if maybe you could stop now.

  Daria : Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I play this rusty old harp, my soul flies free as a bird.

  Jake : I'm sorry, honey. You go on and play.

  Daria : Thank you.

  [Jake exits; Daria goes to her door and plays even louder than before] 

• Jake : Do you have any idea how many rules you've broken?

  Daria : How many? And which ones?

• Jodie Abigail Landon : Hey, Daria. What do you have in the DeMartino pool?

  Daria : I'm not going. I'm grounded.

  Jodie Abigail Landon : [Jodie, Mack and Kevin Laugh]  What did *you* do to get grounded? No offense.

  Daria : None taken, especially since I'm just the victim of a bizarre experiment in parental justice.

  Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie : An experiment? On you?

  Daria : Yeah, they deliberately exposed me to jurisprudence.

  Kevin Thompson : Whoa! That's a little twisted.

  Daria : Yeah. The sad part is that these are the people responsible for my genetic makeup.

  [Jodie and Mack laugh; Kevin looks frightened] 

• Jane Lane : So, basically, you've convinced them that you were too dull to be worth grounding.

  Daria : Exactly, and the sad thing is, it's kinda true.

• Helen : Are you girls ready for your day in court?

  Quinn : Can't you just punish us? I'd like to pay my check to society and get on with my life.

  Helen : Your father and I want you to have a fair hearing. Then we'll punish you.

  Daria : But a court procedure? Isn't that a little bureaucratic?

  Helen : Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality.

  Jake : Jefferson!

  Helen : Stalin. It's all about fairness, girls. That's why your father will make a terrific judge.

  Jake : I get to be the judge?

  [Jake pushes a large armchair in front of the TV] 

  Daria : Look, someone once said, "The most important thing in life is not to look like a geek." Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is?

  Jake : That's it, Daria. All I can say is that I hope you have a darn good defense lawyer.

  Daria : A lawyer? Mom?

  Helen : Sorry, honey, I'm prosecuting. And if I do say so myself, you're going down.

• Helen : Tonight we're going to set some boundaries, and we'd like your input.

  Quinn : Well, everybody knows that late curfews should go to people who can really use them; attractive and popular people with lots of friends.

  Daria Morgendorffer : Wow, who said that, Thomas Jefferson, or was it Barbie?

• Daria Morgendorffer : [while playing family court]  Your honor, I plead guilty, and place my faith in your wisdom, your compassion, and your keen sense of fair-play.

  Jake Morgendorffer : Well said! Grounded for a month!

  Daria Morgendorffer : What? I wasn't even the one who stayed out late.

  Helen : We have to set boundaries, Daria. Nobody said the justice system would be fair.

• Quinn : Is this gonna take long? I'm suppose to be somewhere.

  Daria Morgendorffer : Oh, is there another tight pants sale going on at the mall?