Brooke Theiss: Wendy Lubbock

Quotes 

• Wendy Lubbock : [brought home from late-night date, dropped off by boyfriend, laughter]  Thanks. I had a great time. Oh, and don't turn on your headlights.

  [he honks twice] 

  Wendy Lubbock : So he doesn't have a brain. Big deal.

  [sneaks up to house, ducks as worried father peers through window] 

• Constance "Connie" Lubbock : [switching on the light as her errant sister climbs through kitchen window]  Having a great time, Wendy?

  Wendy Lubbock : [standing on top of sink, holding wet sneaker]  Will you look at this shoe? Now Cindy is going to have to buy a new pair.

  Constance "Connie" Lubbock : You borrowed 'em, you should pay for them.

  Wendy Lubbock : Well, is it my fault that some thoughtless person left water in the sink?

• Constance "Connie" Lubbock : It's a little chilly to be rolling around in the grass with some football player, isn't it?

  Wendy Lubbock : Is your opinion of me so low that you think I would sneak out in the middle of a school night just to roll around in the tall grass with some boy I hardly even know?

  Constance "Connie" Lubbock : Mm-mm.

  [flicks a tuft of grass from her sister's hair] 

  Wendy Lubbock : [airily, pretending to sound cool]  I happen to be wearing this grass in my hair as a fashion statement.

  Constance "Connie" Lubbock : If you are ever given the chance to defend yourself in a court of law, don't do it.

  Wendy Lubbock : You think you are so smart, don't you? What makes you so sure I was out with a football player?

  Constance "Connie" Lubbock : You're still holding his letterman jacket.

  Wendy Lubbock : Oh Connie, please don't say a word about this to anyone!

  Constance "Connie" Lubbock : [too cooperative to be trusted]  You can count on me, Wendy!

  Wendy Lubbock : Oh thanks. Anytime you wanna borrow Cindy's clothes, they're all yours.

  Constance "Connie" Lubbock : Oh, can I count on you to do my laundry chores for a week?

  Wendy Lubbock : [indignated:]  You little snot bucket!

• Elizabeth Lubbock : Marie, honey, do you know anything about this?

  Marie Lubbock : [sincerely]  Only that you shouldn't blame yourselves. You did the best you could with what you had.

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : [annoyed]  Pray for us!

  Marie Lubbock : I will.

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : No, I mean now! Go!

  [she rushes off] 

  Elizabeth Lubbock : [left with the three suspects]  All right, now I wanna know what this was all about. Cindy?

  Cindy Lubbock : All right, Mom, I'll tell you, but you're not gonna believe it. You see, I didn't sneak out anywhere last night. The only reason I stood up, was because... and this may sound like a stupid reason...

  Constance "Connie" Lubbock : [snidely]  I think we can count on that.

  Cindy Lubbock : [glaring at Connie]  The only reason I stood up was because you said that this bad thing had to do with the hottest Lubbock babe, and I do have my reputation to protect...

  Constance "Connie" Lubbock : [impatiently]  Aw!

  Cindy Lubbock : ...so I just figured...

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Cindy! Your lip...!

  Elizabeth Lubbock : [to Cindy]  Wait a minute, come to think of it, your new sweater has grass stains all over it, and I found your pink shoes soaking wet.

  Cindy Lubbock : What? Thanks a lot, Wendy! Just see if I'll lend you my clothes next time you're desperate to drive some hunk wild!

  Elizabeth Lubbock : Is this true, Wendy?

  Wendy Lubbock : Which part?

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : All right, Cindy, you can go.

  Cindy Lubbock : [on a roll and not about to quit]  I just think that something should be said about borrowing a person's property, and return...

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Not now!

  Cindy Lubbock : But those were really, really expensive shoes!

  Elizabeth Lubbock : Out!

  [Cindy goes] 

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Thank you.

  Elizabeth Lubbock : My pleasure.

• Wendy Lubbock : You, uh, wanted to see me, Daddy?

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Yeah, there are some things about boys and girls you and I have to talk about.

  Wendy Lubbock : Dad, I've already had your sex lecture.

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Yeah, well, obviously the hockey analogy didn't sink in. Sit down.

  [ushers her to a chair and she sits down] 

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : So, I suppose I'm gonna have to cut to the chase.

  Wendy Lubbock : [perks up]  Chase? Ooh!

  [shiver of excitement] 

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Just listen. Now, I'm gonna have to use some words here that you don't usually hear in mixed company. Dating is like a baseball game. Girls are on one side, and boys are on the other. Except in the game of dating, girls are only allowed to play defense.

  [she understands, nods] 

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Now, every boy dreams about

  [pretends swinging baseball bat] 

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : knocking one out of the park. And when you sneak out late at night without telling us, you're not only giving that guy a big lead-off, but you can't call in your big righty if he happens to hit a bloop single. You gotta think of them all as Casey at the bat. And it's your job to make sure that there's no joy in Mudville ever.

  Wendy Lubbock : [something sinks in, but she doesn't quite understand]  So where is this Mudville?

• Wendy Lubbock : [as they continue the baseball/dating analogy]  Right. So if the quarterback is trying an end run, I should let my backfield handle it?

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : [exasperated]  No! No! No!

  Wendy Lubbock : I should call a time-out?

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : [giving up]  Forget sports altogether.

  Wendy Lubbock : [not sincere]  Well, what if I just promise never ever to do it again, or something like that?

  [Dad realizes he's being fooled, but then, a fanfare rings out in his head] 

  Wendy Lubbock : Dad?

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Wendy... it's time I let you in on a little secret. You see, God has given fathers a very special secret gift. You see, whatever you're doing, no matter where you are, God lets me know what you're doing.

  Wendy Lubbock : [smirks]  You're putting me on.

  [laughs] 

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : Nope. So you don't have to promise me anything. You see, wherever one of my little girls is holding hands, I'll be there. Anytime one of you is in the back seat of a car with a boy, I'll be there. Or some boy is spouting off in a locker room about any of you, I'll be there too.

  [firm jaw] 

  Coach Graham T. Lubbock : And deep inside, you'll know it. Anytime you turn around or look over your shoulder, you'll swear you see me ducking behind a telephone pole. And when you start walking again, you'll swear you hear my footsteps behind you close enough to hear your every thought. For example, right now you're thinking "boy, if this is, like, true, I can't get away with diddly."

  Wendy Lubbock : [mouth gaping]  Wow.