Change Your Image
wise_guy
Reviews
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
I have seen some bad films over the years....
....but few have irritated me as much as this one. I don't even want to think how much money was spent on it.
Since I wasted a part of my life watching this pathetic mess of a film, it's only fair that I make up for it by pointing out its flaws(this should be very therapeutic).
********THERE ARE SPOILERS INCLUDED IN THIS REVIEW********************
Why when the helicopter crashed into the lab did the explosions go on for around 5 minutes??? Were they carrying nitroglycerine? I thought an H-bomb had been dropped on the site when I saw that mushroom cloud. Isn't there room for just a little bit of reality?
"It's summer entertainment, sit back and enjoy", they say
Sorry guys, this film can't have it both ways. It tries to throw up an interesting moral dilemma with the Alzheimer's cure, then proceeds to do everything with complete disregard for the laws of science and basic intelligence.
Why should LL Cool J throwing a match into a flooded kitchen(with water I presumed), set off an explosion large enough to level a small island??
As for the graphics, I have come up with more realistic looking things using Paintbrush. Unlike in Jaws where you see in graphic detail Quint being savaged, here they make the attacks as quick as possible when they can get away with it. Both sea, shark and victim instantly transform into badly realised cartoon animations during the 0.5 seconds the attack takes place. We are supposed to think "Wow, what fast sharks!!" Instead we think "Which program did they use to come up with that? I think I'll stay away from it"
I can imagine the programmer explaining how he got the attacks looking so "realistic":
Programmer: Well you click on this grey shark-like thing using the mouse
Renny: O.K
Programmer: With your finger still pressed down, move it back and forth really, really, really quickly
Renny: Neat!
Programmer: Now move the cartoon figure behind the shark-like figure, so it looks like its been eaten..
Renny: Incredible!!! How did you come up with that??!!
Programmer: Practice..... Now click on the paintbrush and click on red. Renny: For blood?
Programmer: (after long pause) Yes.
Renny: Thanks guys! Here's 25 million dollars, you earned it!
Samuel L.Jackson's death was funny, but predictable. Also Superman was in this film. That was the name I decided to give Mr obvious hero as soon as I saw him holding a shark back with the harpoon he fired(any normal human would be dragged into the water). Near the end when he somersaulted underwater over the attacking shark to grab onto its fin and hitch a ride(as he did earlier without breaking a sweat) - my brain had already shut down. Belief had been suspended to the point that I would have accepted him running across the water and physically strangling the sharks to death.
In my opinion everyone died in this film. LL Cool J was dragged savagely by the shark for ages before escaping(a few bandages should see to that..) HE SHOULD BE IN PIECES!!!! Superman takes a harpoon to the leg with no apparent effect. He's even able to make a few jokes afterwards(you hit me!!!! Ho Ho Ho) Well forgive me for not sharing in this brilliant moment of humour but your leg should be floating in the ocean and you should be bleeding to death.
I suppose if the scientist(Saffron Burrows) can rip that thick cable from the wall, she can survive being electrocuted just by standing on a WET_SUIT(and a damp one at that). At least some sense of consistency(??)
Now for the super-smart sharks. If you made my brain five times larger I would not gain an instant understanding of quantum physics. I would still have to learn it(though I could probably do it faster).
Why these sharks have such great knowledge of battle tactics(?), cameras(?!) and cooking(Roast LL Cool J anyone?) is not explained. I did laugh when I imagined the sharks gathering round to discuss what their next move would be when they weren't in the picture.
Shark 1:Right, so you pretend to be under anaesthetic, throw the guy through the window, disable the cameras, corner them - and that's dinner for three Shark 2:The logistics of such a plan are debatable. If the window was designed to withstand such high pressure at that depth and large creature inevitably bumping into it - what makes you think that throwing the injured guy into it will break it?
Shark 3: Which part of "dinner for three" didn't you understand?
I think even if they had made the brains of the sharks five times smaller they would have made easy work of this group of half wits. By the way, an oven door is harder to break than a steel gate or the hull of a boat. Wouldn't want any sharks trying to get at our nice new pie now, would we?
The film is filled with so many inconsistencies my brain collapsed under the weight of it all. Don't get me wrong, I like mindless entertainment - I do not like to be insulted.
Enemy at the Gates (2001)
As bad as it gets.....(May contain SPOILERS!!!!!)
What a shameful mess this film turned out to be. I don't think I have ever laughed through a war film as much as I did in this one. What annoys me most about this film is that they ruined a great concept. A film about the battle of Stalingrad could have turned out to be a masterpiece.
The initial battle is good. Nowhere near SPR but still satisfactory. A few too many close ups of Jude Law's angelic face for my liking. You already know that he will survive this battle and most probably the whole film. When he is on the train at the start, he stares intently at a beautiful woman. What are the odds that they'll meet up again later in the film?
I must admit that at this point it still had a claim to being a good war film. Within 20 minutes this claim had been all but dashed to pieces. I don't think this was a good performance by Jude Law. He tried his hardest to look haunted but determined, but his struggle was there for all to see. He didn't convince me for a second. Joseph Fiennes just overacted to the point of foolishness. Rachel Weisz did not really belong in this film and I could have found a more convincing Russian leader than Bob Hoskins. That's right BOB "Super Mario" HOSKINS??!! The casting director should be sacked.
The only person who emerged with any credit was Ed Harris. He put in an excellent performance as it was obvious he was stuck with a 2-dimensional character.
Now I'll get on to the plot. The duel between poor Russian boy and rich German aristocrat was made to be much more important than it ever would be. I am not so stupid as to think that the death of Vassili Zaitsev would have any noticeable effect on the war. The Russians must have had countless snipers that were used for propaganda. The portrayal of Zaitsev as some sort of Russian hero was very unrealistic.
The love triangle was needless. This is not what war is about. Please to not deceive innocent moviegoers into thinking they are going to see a realistic war film and then present some nonsensical fantasy that has no correlation with war.
The sex scene was funny. Unintentionally funny.
I would like some idea that this battle is actually taking place in Russia. Accents, subtitles? The director made no effort to create a true sense of atmosphere. People reading Russian in English with an English accent? I'm sorry but no matter how hard I tried, all I saw were British people who seem to have stumbled onto one of the most important battles in WW2.
Ed Harris character did not have to hang that little boy. As if him being a Nazi isn't enough, he murders children as well! In case you weren't sure who the baddie was, this idiotic scene brings everyone up to speed. Thanks Director!
Oh, and in the space of a few minutes Commissar Danilov denounces communism. If Rachel Weisz doesn't love him, communism must be wrong. Who can argue with such expert reasoning?
Major Erwin Konings can shoot people in mid air. Zaitsev falls asleep at the crucial moment when his enemy passes. It is well known for soldiers to have made love to beautiful women while their comrades were asleep. Idiocy was piled upon idiocy unitl my head could take it no longer.
If you insist on seeing this film. Watch simply to admire Ed Harris' performance.
Champions Forever (1989)
Made me want to be a boxer
This is undoubtedly the best sports video I have seen in my life. It is a documentary that charts the careers of 5 of the greatest boxers ever to enter the ring. Every time I watch this it makes me long for the boxing days of old.
The soundtrack to this documentary is excellent and helps elevate some of the moments from 'good' to 'great'.
What I like best is how fluently the story is told. No matter how many times I watch it I will never get bored. The story starts in the present(relatively) in 1989 when Larry Holmes is knocked out by Tyson at Caesars Palace. After an interview with Holmes, we are taken right back to the beginning as Cassius Clay wins the Olympic gold medal(1960). As expected, Muhammad Ali is the main focus(having been the only one to fight every other boxer present). However I didn't feel that anyone had been left out. Having watched this video I have a new found respect for all of the fighters. Ali has always been outspoken, it is perhaps more interesting to hear what these 'quiet' men have to say about things.
Trying to fit the lives of 5 fighters into one documentary is an extremely difficult job, but it is done superbly here. You get enough history of each fighter to understand how much is at stake, but not so much that it disturbs the pace. Also clips of world events(Vietnam War etc) give a good idea of the decade being dealt with. Each of the fighters are given a chance to speak individually. This makes for some very honest revelations that are completely free of the cliches that blight modern sports. They are also given a chance to talk in groups which makes for some extremely funny exchanges(especially when Norton or Ali are involved).
Surely every video of boxing legends should be entertaining to a boxing fan?
I have watched many other boxing videos that fall far below the standard of this one.
Either they have:
(a)too much boxing and not enough insight. This is entertaining, but after you finish watching you haven't learnt anything you didn't know already.
(b) too much talking and not enough boxing. This just gets very boring. A lot of the time they retread old ground and focus on irrelevant points.
Champions Forever gives you periods of talking followed by periods of boxing. This means you do not get a chance to be bored by one or the other. I feel this video is a must-see for boxing fans and I strongly recommend it to sports fans or anyone else.
Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)
I almost fell asleep....
To begin with, I cannot believe Nicolas Cage got paid 20 million for this film. Don't get me wrong, I quite like him as an actor but all he does is stand around and play the concerned older brother. His emotions range from serious to even more serious. He spends long periods of time staring straight ahead as if in deep thought. To watch someone as rich as him taking an easy pay check like that was a little disheartening.
The script in this film was predictably poor. It was as if they just got the "slackers guide to making an action movie" booklet and followed it word for word.
Family member in trouble? CHECK
Old pro reluctantly comes back to what he does best? CHECK
Dialogue that makes the actors seem like narrators? CHECK
Pointless romantic Interest? CHECK
Not even remotely scary Bad Guy? CHECK
Camera angles that mean you can't even see the action properly? CHECK
Vinnie Jones as impossibly hard nutcase? CHECK
You now know exactly what I think of this film. I am sure to attract many of the old "It's action! just sit back and enjoy it!" comments. This is something I have been hearing more of and it is starting to disturb me. I struggled to stay awake in this film. An action film should have me on the edge of my seat. I do not watch a film intentionally for dialogue but poor dialogue sticks out like a sore thumb. The less said about the script, the better. I imagine that only very young people(I might have liked this when I was about 11) or car enthusiasts would enjoy this. Even if you are usually a fan of good action films as I am, this ranks nowhere near the top.
I was told that Angelina Jolie looked 'hot' in this film. That is probably the worst I have ever seen her. I shall not comment on Robert Duvall's appearance in this film out of respect for his previous performances.