Change Your Image
elliotminorjosh
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
Ibiza Undead (2016)
Dead On Arrival
Ibiza Undead (this is one of many titles this film seems to fluctuate around) is quite possibly the worst zombie film I've ever seen. It's not even safe or by-the-numbers, it's just downright offensive. Big Jim is one of the worst characters ever put to the small screen and Matt King is completely underused and is potentially only here for the Peep Show credentials and a quick holiday and paycheck.
The effects are laughable, the zombie make-up is pathetic, and this is a waste of time.
OVERALL: Makes you wish that George A.Romero didn't start the zombie genre
Meet the Spartans (2008)
The Big Patch Blanket
You'd think that Aaron and Jason would have got it by now that their movies are terrible. However, Meet the Spartans is an exception; it's abysmal. This film (if you can call it that) is basically a massive patched-up blanket covering a burning stack of money. The blanket is sewn together with idiocracy and each patch is a probe at pop culture. Did I mention that there are about a million patches? The writers seem to think they are comic geniuses, slapping audiences in the face with a joke in every line or/and shot. 'Attractive' females are used to make male audiences slobber into their popcorn, but they're probably already doing that due to their brains being turned inside out by the mind-numbingly awful sequences on-screen. Just take my advice and don't see this film.
The Avengers (2012)
The Best Assembly Ever
After an excruciating four year wait (the scene after the credits of 2008's Iron Man with Jackson set the Internet alight) and five films leading to this massive point, Avengers Assemble is here. This film is the cinematic peak of 2012. So much time, effort, spoilers, Comic-Con appearances and millions of other components have been put into this picture. It is a Marvel fan boy's nirvana, an action fan's expectation fulfiller and only a foetus could dislike the whole of this film. Expertly written and beautifully acted out, complete with the best special effects EVER makes Avengers Assemble not just a film to watch once or twice. It's a film to watch until your disc player explodes. Every single character gets their chance to shine and they play out well. And although Hawkeye and Black Widow (Renner and Johansson) haven't had their own films (Hawkeye had a brief cameo in Thor; Black Widow had a more obvious involvement in Iron Man 2), they are just as great as Captain America and Iron Man. Avengers Assemble- you'd be a fool to miss it. OVERALL: One of the best films of the millennium. Watch the Hulk vs. Loki scene for the best takeout ever.
Hostel (2005)
European Gore Without The Bore
If you thought 2004's Saw was a massive step into cinematic gore, Hostel does a triple long jump and a pole vault into it. Hostel is sadistic in parts but is a very intriguing film. It is covered in blood, but sometimes there's so much blood, the story is washed away. The Dutch Businessman (played by Jan Vlasák) isn't an iconic horror villain but is one of the cleverest and deceiving villains from recent memory. There are a lot of stereotypical traits (smoking pot in Amsterdam; beautiful girls entrancing the backpackers) but these play out well. OVERALL: A gore fest that can get a bit too carried away at times but can hold itself together.
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Three Isn't The Magic Number For Spidey
Sam Raimi has lost his touch here. He made two masterpieces with Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2 but this threequel doesn't impress much. It is clear that the $250,000,000 has been spent on making the effects amazing but at times they're very shabby, not what you'd expect from a film with so much money spent on it. But one of the main problems is the ultimately vital character driven story. Well...there really isn't one. Tobey Maguire has become more soppy than a reviewer's tissue after watching Titanic II. The script makes Peter what he shouldn't be- a guy who's full of himself. At least Thomas Haden Church gives a great leverage to the plot. His role as The Sandman is very emotional and has a lot of feeling to it. And James Franco finally does what fans have waited for and gone to the psychotic and dark side his father went to. After seeing this, there's no wonder Spider-Man 4 was pulled.
Gran Torino (2008)
Eastwood Gold
Gran Torino is Clint Eastwood's masterpiece picture, both as an actor and as a director. It almost feels like Eastwood is an older version of Christopher Nolan, at the fact that every film made is astounding. Westerns aren't made much these days. This is a largely known fact. So a gangland film is the closest he could get to the Wild West. And the guns are blazing, the characters are spitting venom and the community is completely in a motion of terror. The title of the film is the name of Kowalski's (Eastwood) 1972 car, which his neighbours try to steal. Now, the film takes a bit of an ironic direction, something Eastwood is easily able to do. His Hmong next-doors are from the same origin as the Koreans he killed in the war, and they try to steal his car and end up being taken away by Hispanics and Kowalski saves the people who tried to steal from him. A review is not enough for this film. It is such a powerful and emotional film that 10/10 doesn't do it justice.
WALL·E (2008)
The Big Clean Up
WALL-E is the love story everyone needs to see and feel. Pixar have made one of the most brilliant love stories ever... with robots. The first major pull is the difference in WALL-E's and EVE's looks and actions. WALL-E is a small rusty robot, almost like the little nerds John Hughes liked to have in his 80s teen movies: he's nervous, with a slight hunch in his personality, and he's quite depressed, because there actually isn't anyone on Earth for him to be with (bar a small cricket he briefly befriends). EVE is the popular girl at school, the one everyone looks up to, except there's only WALL-E to look up to her. She's an Apple-esque machine, floating through the air so fluently. Earth's landscape in this film is astounding; a vast space covered in dusty orange landscapes and filled with metallic cubes of waste. But the big shock is the humans of the future. They're confined to hovering chairs and are so fat that they look like they could explode at any moment. But they're lovable characters and they show a lot of compassion. OTTO is one of 2008's greatest villains, alongside The Dark Knight's Joker. His control over the ship shows how computers could take over our future. He is SCARY. And, as with any good story, there's a moral for people young and old: be nice to the planet; Pick up your rubbish; And keep your loved ones close.
The Dark Knight (2008)
Darkness Is The Definition Of Epic
The Dark Knight tops Batman Begins enormously. The line-up feels so different but only a small part of the cast is new. If you thought the first was good, then this is the ultimate superhero film. The fact is, it doesn't even have the feel of a superhero flick. Yes, you have the hero going around in a costume complete with a mask and cape and, yes, you have the villain disguised by something and wearing an iconic costume but if you actually look closer, you'll see the hero is a vigilante and you'll see that his suit is very lethal and isn't a red and blue spandex outfit. And look closer at the villain and you'll see he is absolutely crazy and insane but is also very, very clever. The star of the film, however, isn't Bats. It's Heath Ledger as The Joker. His death a few months after the release of the film was tragic, so he left the world with one of the greatest characters of 21st century cinema. He is the glue of the film. The storyline is very good, without being too serious. A bit of humour is injected but at the right dose. See this film, and you will be amazed.
X: First Class (2011)
A First Class Marvel Feature
After the disappointing X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the X-Men saga has been fully pumped once again with the origins of the friendship of Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr. X-Men: First Class is a very stylish film but still has a brilliant mixture of dark grit and brutality that made X2 such a great success. Michael Fassbender makes a perfect approach to Erik, rocking a turtleneck sweater and a great Irish-German accent. And James McAvoy's Charles is sophisticated when sober and hilariously intelligent when drunk. But the spectacular thing is this- they don't even reflect Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart. This is one film that can stand on it's own two feet and make itself it's own thing. The supporting cast is also quite brilliant. The star of the career-boosting Hunger Games, Jennifer Lawrence, is sexy but also sweet as Mystique; Lucas Till amazes as Havok; and Lenny Kravitz's daughter Zoe shines as a hero and villain as Angel. You must see this film. It doesn't really get any better than this in the X saga!
The Final Destination (2009)
Rehashed Rubbish...In 3D
When a die-hard fan of the exhilarating Final Destination saga finds out another one is coming out, they squeal with delight. Well, at least I did. But my squeals were punctured and lost forever due to THIS. The Final Destination is just a rehash of the first three films. Most of the deaths are explosions and the ones that aren't are caused by an explosion. Another point is that James Wong's presence is nowhere in the film, so it doesn't have his great influence that Final Destination and Final Destination 3 had. The sex scene isn't even that good! The only good thing is the 3D. Now, FD3 would've been better if it was FD3D, but they couldn't afford it then. The 3D is brilliant. The terrible sex scene comes out into your face, so males will be smiling for a moment. But if you're wanting something like the first three, go and watch them, not this.
Thor (2011)
Marvel's Thundering Hit
The way Marvel has revived and replenished itself from the days of a large-chinned Daredevil and Tobey Maguire trying to look upset is amazing. Thor is shown as Marvel's ultimate journey into the Universe. We're streamed across space with the Rainbow Bridge (which, at first, sounds like something from My Little Pony but in fact is one of the most psychedelic CGI creations ever) and blown away by the astounding world of Asgard. The story follows the origins quite well, with the use of his fake mortal name (Donald Blake) being used and the way Loki's helm holds those curved horns. There are a few problems, however. We don't really see Thor in all his costumed glory for long. And the main problem is The Destroyer. This large machine looks like it could wipe out the whole town yet it only blows up a few cars and plastic restaurants. It really doesn't show off it's potential. But Thor is a great little point towards The Avengers. An uncredited Jeremy Renner appears for a few moments as Clint Barton, also known as Hawkeye. And, as usual, there's a scene after the end credits, which gives even MORE insight into The Avengers and links Thor to Captain America. See it.
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011)
Never See This Film... Never
I've always despised the boy named Justin Bieber. When I first heard him on the radio, I actually thought I was listening to a 20 year old female musician. The film, as I expected, was abysmal. But I think we all know why JB made this documentary- money. Money, money, money, oh, the money. The budget was about $18 million and it's made $70 odd million. It contains nearly every single piece of information about JB in the film that you can find on the Internet. I mean, why give some squeaky superstar a camera? Look what happened to Mini Me when he did that sex tape. Ooft. So much for my first review... what a terrible, terrible doc. OVERALL- A stupid moneymaking project with an appeal towards only 10 year old girls. 1/10
Halo 2 (2004)
Amazing? An Understatement
We enter High Charity and see an Elite Commander being branded a Heretic... the start of the game. This game has been branded the next step in the Halo series- yes, definitely. The addition of double weapons and new vehicles and weapons was great. The Brutes were average but were also a generally good addition. Just one thing... Gravemind. That kind of ruined my time on the game for about 5 minutes. They could've come up with a way to fit Gravemind in later and have a different scenario. When I first completed the game on Easy, I proceeded to the next difficulty. I love it at the start of Outskirts when Cortana is tapping on MC's visor. Anyway, the game is just one of the Xbox's greatest releases and I'm sure after Halo: Reach, we'll have even more to awe at.