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[Rec]² (2009)
Recipe For Awfulness
Hey, aspiring filmmakers! Wanna make your own lousy horror film? Here's how!
- Start with annoying, unlikeable, non-interesting characters. Have them say *beep* often, and allow them to overact wildly. Don't forget to have one character grumble about "the mission" at least every 2 minutes!
- Throw in a heaping serving of religious hokum and demonic possession.
- About 40 minutes into the film, introduce the three most annoying and bratty teenagers in cinematic history (next to "Clueless", that is).
- Telegraph all of your scares. Can't be too predictable!
- Finish with an ending that a 5 year old with a learning disorder could see coming a mile away. Make sure your final shot rips off "The Hidden" and numerous other movies.
- Serve to your audience for 90 LONG minutes.
(Note: there is no nutritional value in the preceding recipe.)
Mamma Mia! (2008)
Ugh.
3 reasons why "Mamma Mia!" is one of the worst movies of 2008:
1) Many good ABBA songs are unmercifully killed by performers who have no business singing ABBA songs.
2) Everyone acts like they are in a stage production, so facial expressions are over the top and lines are read at full volume.
3)The film's comic relief consists of people falling over, or falling down, or being pushed over, or being pushed into water. The inevitable wacky reactions by the other cast members were almost enough to make my regurgitate my popcorn.
I hope I haven't made it sound too impressive.
WALL·E (2008)
An American classic and the best movie in 26 years
Adjectives really can't do justice to how special WALL-E is, so I'll just say this: the last time I was moved this much in a movie theater was 1982, when I saw E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. I have seen many outstanding motion pictures since then, but none have ever captured the pure sweetness, joy and magic of that film. And to be honest with you, I always figured that no movie ever could.
I'm delighted to report that I was wrong.
Seeing WALL-E on opening night, in a packed theater in which every single person in the auditorium applauded at the end for close to 5 minutes...well, let's just say I have a little more faith in humanity than I did before.
(I would also like to add that this is a PERFECT date movie...)
National Treasure (2004)
Holiday Cheese from Jerry Bruckheimer
Like most Jerry Bruckheimer productions, National Treasure is an exciting movie with a really bad script. The majority of the film's attempts at humor fall flat, and the plot doesn't stand up to much scrutiny. For every two good moments, there is one really awful one. See it at a bargain matinée, and you may be entertained.
One interesting note: there is not one single obscenity uttered in the entire film. Combine that with the lack of graphic violence, and you have an action/adventure film the whole family can see and enjoy. Just imagine how good this could have been if Pixar had produced it.
**1/2 (on a scale of zero to five).
The Butterfly Effect (2004)
Unintentionally hilarious
Whenever time was altered in "The Butterfly Effect", I was reminded of an episode of "The Simpsons". Homer had a toaster time-travel machine, and kept making things worse and worse for himself with every journey. It was totally ludicrous, and thus very funny. "The Butterfly Effect" tries the same thing with a straight face, and it simply does not work. The worse things got, the more I would laugh. The performances are all solid, but cannot overcome the banal script. I was also annoyed by the fact that the actors portraying Ashton Kutcher's character as a child were obviously much older than the ages given in the film. (And what young boy could draw a picture that well, anyway?) The ending of the Director's Cut is more effective, but not enough to recommend this.
** (on a scale of zero to five stars).
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
So stupid, it's hilarious
Lord knows there are plenty of movies that are just plain stupid. And then there the movies that elevate stupidity to an artform. In the tradition of "Dumb and Dumber" and the "Bill and Ted" films, this is a movie that will have you laughing in spite of your I.Q.. Will Farrell is quickly becoming a comedy superstar, but it's Steve Carell's mentally retarded, slightly psychotic weatherman that elicits the most chuckles. Imagine a grown-up version of Ralph Wiggum from "The Simpsons", and you'll be on the right track.
Please check your brain at the door, and enjoy!
***1/2 (on a scale of zero to five).
Crimes of Passion (1984)
Worth watching for Kathleen Turner's performance
From director Ken Russell, who never met an excess he didn't like, Crimes of Passion is the story of Joanna Crane - a fashion designer by day, a kinky prostitute named China Blue by night. China finds herself being stalked by a maniacal street preacher (Anthony Perkins) who wants to save her soul; she has also caught the eye of a private investigator (John Laughlin) whose marriage is on the rocks.
Crimes of Passion has its share of problems. The dialogue is often excruciatingly bad, and the subplot involving Laughlin and his wife (Annie Potts) is barely watchable. (Don't be surprised if you find yourself getting drowsy; even Potts seems to be struggling to stay awake during her scenes.) But as long as Turner is on screen, the film shines. This is easily the best performance of her career, and it almost makes you forget that this is the same woman that starred in Peggy Sue Got Married and Romancing the Stone. Nothing against those films or her performance in them, but when you see what she does to a cop, you'll get the idea.
** 1/2 (on a scale of zero to five)
Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
Great fun...if you're intoxicated
The only way this film should be viewed is with a group of friends, late at night, while drinking. It takes on a "Mystery Science Theater 3000" attitude this way, and it's fun. But if you're rested and sober, God help you. The acting is bad (the dialogue doesn't help), and the phony buildings in the finale are a joke. The film was obviously written with Jack Traven's character in mind; Keanu Reeves' decision to pass on it proves that he's not as dumb as most people think. Jason Patric is forced to play the same character (he even has the same haircut!), only with a different name, and he's not very convincing at all.
Proceed with caution.
Club Dread (2004)
All Hail Broken Lizard!!!!
I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive about seeing Club Dread. Super Troopers was better than I expected; could they do it again? The answer, in my opinion, is "yes". It's obvious that the guys from Broken Lizard watched as many slasher films as I did growing up, and although they poke fun at the genre, it's in a playful and reverent way. Sure, most of the slice and dice films of the 80 were awful in retrospect, but when you're a teenager, they were a blast, and this film reminds you of that. Oh, and did I mention how funny Club Dread is? I laughed so hard I embarrassed myself. The jokes range from the crude and obvious (I'd list some of Juan Castillo's lines, but they would probably be removed by the webmaster) to the brilliantly inspired (I can't wait to play living Pac-Man with my friends!), and almost all of them work. The performances are great, with Steve Lemme (as the aforementioned Juan) being a stand-out. Certainly not for all tastes, Club Dread is great fun for anybody that rented Prom Night more than once as a kid, and for those of us that like to actually LAUGH at comedies. Well done, guys!