thesar-2 Reviews

Cemetery Man (1994)

Lost in Translation

[5/10 · 12 May 2024]

The moment they wake up, before the mortician puts on their makeup, I say a little prayer for you...to actually understand this.

Cemetery Man, aka the Un-American Psycho, is a WEIRD one, indeed. Truthfully, I've never heard of this Italian "horror" (much more of a ZomCom) starring Rupert Everett until my favorite YouTube channel, Dead Meat, covered this on their podcast. Since I just LOVE listening to that, I had to see what they'll inevitably spoil. (And now I can't wait to hear their thoughts as I'm still trying to recover/comprehend.)

The title character works at a Cemetery, duh, with his faithful sidekick, Gnaghi, the inbred child of Pugsley Addams and Curly Howard. Together they stop the living dead from escaping the grounds. Meanwhile, there's a couple of love stories - one creepy, beyond the zombie aspect and another involving the biggest nipples I've ever seen. Also, expect murders, slapstick, Death and surreal occurrences.

Admittedly, I laughed out loud at some of the comedy despite most of this going way over my head. This is fever dream madness and I'm not sure it's supposed to make sense. I mean, it's not like our American Airplane! From 1980 truly made logical sense...to anyone outside of the USA. (But, at least Airplane! Has a straight-line plot and objectives, though.)

You'd really have to be into Italian "horror" (I put that in quotes as this is VERY light horror, despite having a setting of a graveyard with ghouls rising from the dead and some graphic gore,) or comedies from Italy to really be drawn to this. I wasn't upset as I watched it as I truly felt this was going to ultimately turn out like my own interpretation of American Psycho.

Watch it at your own risk. Or if you're a Rupert Everett completist.

***

Final Thoughts: I'm not against remakes, or even Americanized remakes of foreign films, but if we were to tackle this one, I'd love to see the actual horror version of this. It'd definitely be a great double feature with Phantasm.

Vantage Point (2008)

The Bourne Point of View

[6/10 · 11 May 2024]

If you'd like to see Jack Bauer using Source Codes to be Bourne again while Olympus is Falling and being in the Nick of Time of The Next Three Days, this would be your Vantage Point to see.

I am terrible at guessing movie's twists. In fact, I relish in being surprised even when most aren't. While it's unfortunate that I 100% guessed who was involved at the VERY beginning, I'm grateful this character I guessed as part of the operation was only ONE of like 22 subplots/characters in this grand adventure.

The U. S. President (R. I. P. William Hurt) is about to make a speech in Spain in front of a large crowd and wouldn't you know it. Terrorists have a different idea. Get ready to see this from MANY different angles. Or Vantage Points, if I may.

I didn't know the 2000s were an era like the 90s, but this felt VERY 2000s. Not that that's a bad thing. You just can tell when this was made and while I did care for that time of cinema, it's starting to feel dated.

Still, this was a thrilling mystery of whodunnits galore and when time stops resetting, it's nice to finally get to the bottom of the plot. This feels like a time loop, like Edge of Tomorrow or Source Code, but it's really not. Just multiple POVs of the same events to really give us the story.

I will say some threads were weak and probably should've been removed. Sorry Forest Whitaker and that child. In fact, what that child ends up doing is laughably bad and sad - that the writers didn't seem to know how to end this so they had the child do something pretty dumb. In conjunction with this, it was pretty implausible the car chase would've worked and the other coincidences happened.

Aside from that, this incredible all-star cast gave it their all and I'm pretty amazed this all fit into 90-minutes. Absolutely no complaint there. In fact, before this began, I actually and honestly said to myself "I love 90-minute movies. Wish there were more of them." And Bam! This was one of those to the minute.

It's harmless and fun for the most part. Definitely a recommendation despite how clumsily it ends up.

***

Final Thoughts: Leave it up to me to focus mostly on the Asian guy in the Newsroom. Turns out he is gay in real life, but partnered-up. So close, but still struck out, again. Oh, well.

Ocean's Eleven (1960)

Oh, Danny Boy

[5/10 · 9 May 2024]

41-years-later, Ocean's Eleven proves that remakes can and do work.

I've seen the 2001 reimagining of Ocean's Eleven probably one shy of a dozen times so it's hard to finally see the movie it sparked without comparing the two. To be fair, they barely had anything in common other than the heist, location and number of bandits. And they certainly played out MUCH differently.

No spoilers, but I really dug this ending. Didn't see it coming and they were probably ahead of their time in 1960 to come up with it.

Half this movie is Danny & Co. Gathering the old gang from various locations outside of Sin City and the last half was what we were impatiently waiting for: their heist of 5 landmark casinos circa 1960 Las Vegas.

Some of the positives were the snappy dialogue (okay, okay, that's also in common with the follow-up, only Director Steven Soderbergh did it 10x better at the beginning of the next millennium) and seeing Vegas for what it was like 4 decades ago. I will say, unlike those awful looking slots, the security was so loose, I'm pretty shocked they needed 11 men to pull this off.

But, that said, I would've hated to attempt to rob mob-run casinos in the 1960's. I'd rather take my chances with the security in modern days.

That really didn't factor in here. #1, this is straight-up a comedy. #2, I'm sure they didn't want to focus/draw attention to the mob-run Vegas in cinemas. Of course, they didn't do themselves any favors in making these casinos look incredibly easy to rob.

IF you're interested in old-school Vegas and namely the Rat Pack & their history, I would recommend it. Just get some fresh air beforehand. You'll need it with the screen filled up with smoke in almost every scene.

***

Final Thoughts: This did spark my interest in making a Top Eleven Favorite (mostly centered around/known for) Vegas movies of all-time:

1. Casino (1995) 2. Ocean's Eleven (2001) 3. The Hangover (2009) 4. Leaving Las Vegas (1995) 5. Vegas Vacation (1997) 6. Very Bad Things (1998) 7. Go (1999) 8. Ocean's Thirteen (2007) 9. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) 10. Indecent Proposal (1993) 11. Bugsy (1991)

Satanic Hispanics (2022)

Demon Knights

[5/10 · 4 May 2024]

While you'll sorely miss Billy Zane, at least Greg Grunberg is in the bulk of this story.

If you made it to the fifth/final story and into the credits, lucky you. Not only will you be told "No Latinos were harmed in the making of this motion picture," you at least got to the only notable story in this anthology.

Sadly, of the four stories (with one main wraparound,) only one was really good. They must've known that, too, by saving the best for last. Though that said, the wraparound was interesting enough even if it's pretty clichéd and sometimes forces the storytelling of the chapters.

"The Traveler" is the sole survivor of a massacre and while being investigated by disbelieving detectives, he recounts Latino-based short horror stories, some of which he wouldn't/couldn't have known the details of. There's the tale of the Rubik's Cube stand-in for the Lament Configuration: "Tambien Lo Vi" - definitely the 2nd best one, "El Vampiro" which tries to be too slapstickish, "Nahaules" which makes the least sense about sacrifices I guess and "The Hammer of Zanzibar"...the very reason to watch this movie.

While it's perfect as a short movie and probably shouldn't be fleshed out, "The Hammer of Zanzibar" was incredibly funny, well thought-out and raised the bar on the entire anthology of so-so entries. Mercifully, this, in addition to the very well-done practical gore effects throughout and Efren Ramirez's charm as "The Traveler," I would recommend this feature.

You just gotta get through some rough, though not terrible, short stories and you'll be rewarded.

***

Final Thoughts: The reference to Billy Zane in the intro was to the 10x better movie, Tales from the Crypt Presents Demon Knight. He had enough charisma in that movie to fill the entire Tales from the Crypt series. While "The Traveler" reminds me of more of his costar, William Sadler's character, this wraparound just gushed with Demon Knight vibes. Also, I always have a crush on Greg Grunberg. He better watch out, though...Efren Ramirez was far better looking in this feature...

Black Snake Moan (2006)

Broken Chains of Love

[4/10 · 1 May 2024]

You ever ask for forgiveness for wasting two hours of your life?

Or wonder where those last two hours went? I mean, I know what I saw, I wasn't blacked out. Just trying to comprehend this "movie."

I actually was ready to turn this off about 39 minutes in and then...it got interesting. I was guessing the core of the plot just kicked in. Not really. It was just another event in this original, albeit strange experience.

A nympho girl wanders from man to drug to man while her partner left for a tour of duty. Is it up to a broken "religious" man to set her straight?

I think the movie's heart is in the right place. Plus, it's well acted, and shot. It's just tonally all over the place, unfortunately. I wasn't sure if I was watching a drama, comedy or adult hallmark melodrama about family issues. I guess things may have gotten resolved, but they feel more fixed on paper than before my eyes.

Samuel Jackson is the same as ever before, but if you want to see Christina Ricci in a VERY adult role, here you go. This is definitely one of those rare Show & do Tell films. It shows a lot and tells you everything you need to know/how to feel.

Not recommended. It's just there. It's kinda harmless, though despite being set in reality, it's really, really weird.

***

Final Thoughts: Absolutely not making light of people with PSTD, but is it possible to get that when you barely make it a couple of days into boot camp and then discharged? I understand one character already has issues prior, but the "conclusion" felt like an extreme case of post-traumatic stress disorder and I didn't buy it.

Beau Is Afraid (2023)

High Anxiety

[5/10 · 29 April 2024]

Why is Beau four letters when two will do?

That question may be just as relevant as to anything I just witnessed for the last three hours. Obviously, there's some deeper meaning I'm missing or already know and just need to be reaffirmed. Probably the former since the script is just as spelled out to me as if Wes Anderson directed this.

Beau isn't just afraid, he's on a Forrest Gump adventure, albeit a much darker one with less celebrities stand-ins. He's on a literal painful mission to his childhood home after tragedy strikes. Will he make it home? And if so, will he gain more than he was afraid he would?

While I will commend the movie for being very well shot and acted - which is to be expected from the cast and talented Writer/Director, it still felt like a fever-dream/experimental risk that apparently didn't pay off due to what happened to the studio A24 and possibly Director Ari Aster's budding future. I don't know how this even partially is the product of the mastermind behind the incredible Hereditary and Midsommar. (Haven't yet seen Dream Scenario, but I will soon.)

For the first third of this, this movie gave me pretty high anxiety. This shouldn't be shocking for how the plot and events were laid out. Luckily, this subsided (some) as we follow Beau's journey and all the weird characters he may/may not have really met.

And that's, I believe, is the point. What's real and what really happened? To be honest, I may not never know.

Just kidding. As soon as I finish with my thoughts here, I'll rely on others to tell me what I just saw on YouTube. Not trying to be ignorant here, and I'm pretty sure I got this pegged. And no, I don't need everything completely spelled out for me.

I just like a little conclusion to spending three-hours with a truly messed up Gump lost in his own private Forrest.

***

Final Thoughts: How did anyone mistake this for horror? What made this into a horror, please? Obviously, there were horrific scenes/events and things possibly made up from possibly the world's most unreliable narrator. But you could apply that to any CSI episode that's far from horror.

Ghostwatch (1992 TV Movie)

You'll Be Watching for a While

[8/10 · 28 April 2024]

Wait. This came out 15 years prior, and we still got the second-rate "Paranormal Activity"?

This 1992 British Made-for-TV found-footage/mockumentary movie, predating both 1999's The Blair Witch Project & 2007's Paranormal Activity, was fairly effective and far before its time. Granted, Found Footage has been around even before this; ah-hem, the animal-hating Cannibal Holocaust was from 1980. And technically, this isn't 100% Found Footage. I'll explain.

This is more of a reality TV-show/broadcast (which probably also predates all the reality craze of the 2000s and beyond.) Once the hit and awesome 2024's Late Night with the Devil premiered, comparisons were in abundance to this little-known horror from the early 90s. I, myself, hadn't even seen this until now. And wow...as much as I loved Late Night with the Devil, that's almost a remake of this and, to be fair, Ghostwatch, did it much more realistically.

Two young girls and their single-mother experienced some paranormal activity in their English residence and a TV show is there to exploit them for ratings, regardless if the haunting is real. Well, as you probably suspect, things go bump in the night and we'll see if the world's ready to believe...

Full disclosure: I'm a true, 100%, nonbeliever in the supernatural. In fact, as much of a Horror Fan I am, the supernatural subgenre is my least favorite and the furthest from what I seek out. The more I believe something can happen in real life, the more frighten I become and since I don't believe in haunts, these movies don't scare me in the least. That said, I can appreciate a ton of great ghost/haunted house movies. 1980's The Shining is the best ever for the subgenre, in my opinion. Ghostwatch will definitely be added to the best list for this group.

It was a tough watch, at times, though. No spoilers, but one of the plot points involve one of the victims getting visible/instantaneous scratches on their face. Not sure what the rule of law was in 1992 United Kingdom, but I would think this girl needed to be taken to a hospital ASAP. YES, I know this was both a fictional movie of a broadcast to document a Halloween-Night Haunting. You still needed to get this child medical assistance, pronto.

Also, like most haunted house movies, and this is one of my biggest pet peeves, it takes an enormous amount of buildup/time to get to the goods. It's like every single one of these movies, some laughably "based on a true story," follow the same slow, bit-by-bit tension until the ghost/demon/possession finally reveals itself. 2013's The Conjuring followed these cliches to a tee. Mercifully, while 2016's The Conjuring 2 began that way, they shifted away to a more original story. (Which is why I prefer the first sequel WAY more.)

I digress, I did enjoy this mockumentary and curious to see how many fell for this War of the Worlds broadcast 32-years-ago. Must've been easier since it was pre-real-internet.

***

Final Thoughts: Here are my Favorite Mockumentaries:

1. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006) 2. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2005) 3. What We Do in the Shadows (2014) 4. C. S. A.: The Confederate States of America (2004) 5. This is Spinal Tap (1984) 6. District 9 (2009) 7. Ghostwatch (1992) 8. Late Night with the Devil (2024) 9. Best in Show (2000) 10. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm: Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2020) 11. The Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down (2006) 12. The Gods Must be Crazy (1980) 13. Man Bites Dog (1992) 14. Brüno (2009)

Two (2021)

Stuck on Two

[5/10 · 27 April 2024]

At least they didn't blow their budget on the wardrobe.

What feels like a Stephen King short-story turned into an incredibly short movie, Two follows two strangers sewn together by their bellies. Kinda Human Centipede meets Saw, but with 1/100th of the budget.

These two adults wake in bed, naked, disoriented and distrustful of each other for how they got to this location and stitched together. Not to mention, it's pretty painful so they gotta work together to figure out the Escape Room they found themselves in.

Mercifully, this is only 70 minutes long - BARELY a movie length when including opening/end credits. This concept really just works as a normal Sci-Fi/Horror anthology TV Series episode. And not even one of the better ones. But, it's passable. Especially the twist I didn't see coming.

It's Spanish with English subtitles, but Netflix allows the English dub. Maybe choosing that was a mistake as the dialogue REALLY felt dumb or even A. I.-generated. I was just tired of reading my movies tonight having just finished a French-speaking one earlier.

Since it's so quick and I did like the ending, it's a recommendation. It's just sad how they "cleverly" hid the man's parts while focusing a lot on the lady. Not why I watched it, but you gotta give me something past the thin plot.

***

Final Thoughts: I'd rather watch the worst Saw than this again, though I couldn't even make it 20 minutes into Human Centipede III. So, I guess Two/Dos falls somewhere in the middle of those franchises.

Infested (2023)

In Defense of Arson

[6/10 · 27 April 2024]

What tangled webs they weave when the survivors cannot leave.

Infested is the latest of European Apartment/Isolation Horror with the likes of 2007's Rec from Spain and 2022's Lockdown Tower with the latter closer to this kind of rundown building and both from France. While I liked the other two more, this still works. At least the first half, anyways.

A neglected apartment tower's resident critter expert brings home a poisonous spider only to lose it almost immediately and just as swiftly, that thing multiplies tenfold+. Soon, all the residents will face off with the new eight-legged occupants and hopefully some will survive.

As usual in these When-Animals-Attack films, the characters do some DUMB things. Like over and over.

Wasn't there a first-floor window to crawl out of? Front door to simply open? Egad, every dumb mistake you could make happened here. Granted, I'd probably panic, too or simply have a heart-attack with my arachnophobia in a dark building full of spiders.

My biggest issue was there were no time jumps to make this even remotely realistic. And to me, the more realistic, the more terrifying it is. Here, the one spider lays its egg sack and pretty much, within minutes the whole tower is covered with them. Plus, they grow to almost human size with each new batch.

Now that said, it didn't stop me from jumping so many times out of my seat and audibly swearing, I had to constantly pause the movie to recover. So, yeah, they did their job on my fears. And if you also suffer from the same fright of these abominations, you'll probably get some great scares out of this as well.

You'll just have to get through some tough/long scenes of character set up in the first half-hour. Despite these feeling like real people who really live in the same tight quarters, it was almost brutal to get through so much exposition to get to what we pressed play for: a Spider Invasion.

It's not bad, and for the grand majority of the spider-scenes, they did look like real spiders (well, except for the 3-foot kinds.) Just try not to imagine them on your own skin.

***

Final Thoughts: It pains me to give this a mediocre review. I did the same for 2022's Fall - which explored my greatest fear: Heights. (Spiders are my #2.) That one just suffered through cliches and really bad characters I didn't care about. This film's problem was the speed they multiplied and size they grew. Also, since when are spiders social bloodsuckers?

Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

More Like Frankensteen

[5/10 · 22 April 2024]

Some call this horror. Eh. Sure, there are horror elements and if this is a horror, so is the inspired 1980's Heathers.

If this had been made in the year it's set (1989,) surely Tim Burton would've directed Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp as the leads and Jennifer Connelly as the costar/sister role. This has all of them written all-over-it.

Also, I was alive and coming of age during 1989. THIS was more like 1985 or even earlier 80s. By 1989, we were at the edge of the grunge period. These styles/clothes/attitudes definitely early 80s. But I digress. That's not the real issue here.

The title is. It's Frankenstein...light. Like very, very adjacent. That said, I guess in a world that Twilight exists and that's so far removed from vampires, I suppose we can use one or two elements of the Frankenstein story for this dark romcom.

Lisa is misunderstood and maybe more intense than most give her credit for. When she falls for a long-since deceased young male around her age, luck is on her side when lightning awakens him from his slumber. Will he fall for her and if so, who will pay the price?

All I had to see in the opening credits was that Diablo "Juno" Cody wrote this to know what I was getting myself into. To her credit, she has an extreme style that is unmistakable. I happen to like her writing, but here...

Well, it's not bad. It's just...there. I laughed some, but not a lot. I did like the chemistry between the leads and even though the 80s feel was way too much like The Goldbergs and practically every other 80s nostalgia over the past decade plus, I didn't mind it. I don't think, by this point, it's at all original or groundbreaking. But it is watchable.

It might need a second viewing to rise above the mediocre 5/10 stars I gave it. Unfortunately, I really don't have that much of an urge to revisit this. I just wish this would've been made in 1989. It may have been perfect back then and an instant classic.

Especially with the cast I pointed out.

***

Final Thoughts: In my fantasy theory above for who would've started in the 1989 version of this, I would also suspect Winona Ryder would've auditioned for the lead, or sister part and be turned down. Not to worry, though. Burton would've made up for this oversight by casting her with Depp in the similar Edward Scissorhands the year after.

Late Night with the Devil (2023)

Could It Be...Say-tin?

[9/10 · 20 April 2024]

The Seventies horrors were already creepy, by nature. This rerun of sorts just keeps that tradition alive.

With a true renaissance in horror this past decade, with quite possibly some of the best horror movies produced EVER, I had high expectations and desires for Late Night with the Devil. Annnd, I was NOT let down.

This movie was as disturbing as it was extremely intriguing to watch. As captivating as it was inventive. And as original as it's a classic. I couldn't look away, much like the audience this host wants to provoke.

A 1970s late night TV host, second to Heeere's Johnny, plans to celebrate his Hallowleen proving/disproving the existence of Satan in a young girl. All for ratings/sweep week. Good luck to him, the audience and his guests. They'll need it.

This was so well written, so well shot and so well paced, this probably could've went on for another hour and our eyes would've continued to be glued to the set. Be that as it may, the 90-minutes is just perfect. PLEASE, despite the deep story with many unanswered questions/subplots, NO sequel. This is perfect as is.

I'd be hard pressed not to see this in my top 10, maybe top 5 of 2024. I'd say I wish they made more horror movies like this, but they have. Not EXACTLY like this - as stated, this is wildly original. It's just that over the past 10 years I've been very pleased with groundbreaking and refreshingly new horror films. And this Late Night movie I watched is no exception.

Keep it up, creative filmmakers - from Hollywood to Australia, to South Korea and beyond.

***

Final Thoughts: Now I look forward to diving into all the twists and turns, background/breakdowns and ending explained by the critics/film buffs on YouTube. I wonder how many will compare this to Jordan Peele's Nope like I did.

Night Swim (2024)

Rub a Dub Dud

[4/10 · 14 April 2024]

So, this *isn't* a follow-up to M. Night's Lady in the Water?

One thing my dad used to tell me that rings so true: whenever Hollywood over-advertises a movie, it's gonna be bad. (Also true, whenever they dump movies into January, it's equally bad.) And I saw trailers CONSTANTLY for this first weekend-of-the-year release. But, is it as bad as everyone claims?

Yeah, and no. I mean, it's not great or even good or even a recommendation. It's just not the worst I've ever seen. And I have seen pool-centered horror movies before. This just feels like a second-draft script. Not at all fleshed out with many threads left unfinished.

As with most supernatural movies, this too involves a family moving into a cursed place. What's the twist here? The "ghosts" (?) just hang out by the pool. Our "hero" cliché family here suspect it isn't safe to go into the water, so why not have a pool party?

I do my VERY best to go in as cold to any movie I have an interest in seeing, but I couldn't avoid seeing the ratings for this 2024 recent release. And because of that, I kept expecting this movie to nosedive after the initial premise is revealed. It never really did, though that script felt...awkward. I think there was a solid movie the filmmakers/writer wanted to make and instead, they were forced to kept to a set schedule without reshoots/test screenings.

As stated above, I wouldn't recommend it. It's not even so bad-it's good. It's just meh.

***

Final Thoughts: One horror/thriller I enjoyed WAY more about a swimming pool was aptly called "The Pool" from 2018. It's not perfect and held the same kind of critical criticism as this movie and yet, it was still entertaining, a way better plot/fleshed out script and kept me engaged to the end.

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972)

Children?

[2/10 · 13 April 2024]

The title strongly resembles that Steve Buscemi GIF: "How do you do, fellow kids?" in which a 55-year-old plays a high schooler. THESE AREN'T CHILDREN.

Yes, the film's "main character," some kind of film/stage Director, calls his cast and crew "children." They're as much children as Biden's the youngest ever President.

I only chose this movie as I distinctly recall seeing this VHS cover many times as a kid looking through the horror movies I was never allowed to rent. I haven't even thought of this movie in decades, and considering it's from the early 1970s with a title as such, I thought it would be super creepy.

It was super dumb, instead. Like really bad. But I will give it to them: the ending was kinda, sorta, maybe not really worth getting through 60ish minutes of awful "humor" to get to. At least they made an effort in the climax.

Said "Director" brings his cast/crew to some remote island to dig up bodies and preform both satanic rituals and practical jokes. Some of the people object, some act like "children" and have fun. Unfortunately, for them, they might as well be shooting a documentary.

Sadly, this movie does, indeed, suck, but at least they were somewhat trying to make a Night of the Living Dead rip-off with comedy bits throughout. As stated, most of the effort was in the third act with, I guess, some good practical zombie makeup/effects. And I did like the very ending's idea, though, like most everything else, it came out unintentionally hilarious.

Can't recommend. I don't even know if anyone else in the world, sans like 3 people, even heard of this or even saw it when it came out.

***

Final Thoughts: By the way, that Steve Buscemi GIF NEVER ceases to crack me up. Quite the opposite for this "horror-comedy."

Poor Things (2023)

Actually, It's Pretty Rich

[8/10 · 9 April 2024]

Well, this is odd. I believe this is the first movie I've ever seen where I loved the Second Act over the First and Third ones.

But, that's not all that's original. Despite this being a Frankenstein-Inspired-Tale, this has to end somewhere high on my all-time most original movies I've ever seen.

I have very few criticisms here, so I'll get these out of the way first. The opening was a little rough for me and I needed a lot more patience than I'm accustomed to, to get through to the aforementioned better Act. And speaking of which, even the best section of the film had a very slowed down portion towards the end of Act Two. Plus, the climax seemingly introduced a whole new storyline that also had to be settled. Yes, this was hinted throughout, but it still felt tacked on for additional conflict.

(Don't get me wrong, I did like that relatively-new subplot and definitely its conclusion. It just felt odd to place it there.)

Okay, the rest, I Loved. From the acting to the marvelous costumes, set pieces, cinematography and absolutely how it was shot. (More so in the first half vs. The last half. Still, overall, great.) I'm not much into period-piece or fantasy films - this is both, by a mile, and yet, I was enthralled and fully invested once it got going.

Slow, but growing Belle is someone who's maturity level does NOT match her adult body. We'll follow her as she evolves into womanhood and maybe others around her will learn right alongside her.

I was as basic with that synopsis as possible as it's truly best to go in freezing cold. It's a great journey to take with Belle and it's nice to say that with sincerity since that dang Twilight series hit theatres.

While I loved Oppenheimer and believe it deserved a lot of its awards, I do disagree this didn't win Best Cinematography. And yes, Emma Stone earned her Oscar. I just happened to love how this was shot and how richly original this was even over her performance.

Can't recommend this movie more...with one stipulation. You really, REALLY need to love cinema. This isn't for everyone as it's pretty darn weird and even though it's very easy to follow, the style and oddness might turn off the mainstream audiences. Especially those who just go to the 2-3 Marvel movies in theatres per year.

***

Final Thoughts: Oh, and yeah, forgot to mention - can't believe this wasn't NC-17. This was basically soft-core. Sooo much nudity (male and female) and tons of sex scenes. If this bothers you, or if you're planning a family movie night, fair warning.

It Lives Inside (2023)

It Follows Slimer's Hunger Pains

[3/10 · 9 April 2024]

Don't be fooled like me; for every When Evil Lurks and Talk to Me, there's a It Lives Inside. I guess we can't appreciate the greats without knowing the opposite.

Actually, to be fair, this movie isn't the worst I've seen...it's just plain okay. It's wildly unoriginal and brings so incredibly little to the table, you'll need to leave your brain at the door for multiple reasons. And still, if you like these kinds of supernatural stalker movies, you might feel at home here.

High School Sam inadvertently releases a demon who chases/taunts her and she'll have to use clues and others to figure out how to stop this before it's too late. Sound familiar? Like really familiar?

The acting's okay, the filming is acceptable and creature effects, while very pumpkinheadish, is just fine. I mean, there's inferior horror films out there, but why settle for mediocre or less?

Not recommended. If you're interested in a great Demon-Coming-After-You 2023 release, just see the masterful Talk to Me. Or elevated in When Evil Lurks. (I'd suggest that one above all horror from 2023 and even in recent years.)

Sucks, too. I really wanted to see this, just based on the poster and 2022-2023's track record for incredible horror releases. I was fooled...so now you don't have to be.

***

Final Thoughts: I will give one great positive: I LOVED the end credits song. Didn't really fit the rest of the movie, but at least it ended with a great distraction from what I just witnessed. (Mallrats' "Teeth.")

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Minus A Whole Bunch

[4/10 · 31 March 2024]

Normally, when a so-so sequel comes out, it generally makes me want to go home and watch one of the better entries. This one just caused me to want to revisit any of the Godzilla films featured on MST3k.

I swear, these MonsterVerse films get more progressively dumb as they proceed. Okay, they're dumb-fun, just...not *that* much fun anymore.

Excluding entry #2, Kong: Skull Island and the 2023 fantastic Apple TV series, Monarch: Legacy of Monsters, each chapter sinks deeper and deeper into the Middle Earth of realism. They might as well just animate these movies since they're so far from reality and the stakes couldn't be lower.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire begs you to leave your brain at the door. Basically, there's a new (old?) threat to both of the title characters and the bad boys, bad boys, what are they gonna do? All-but high-five and fight. Duh.

I wouldn't go as far to say this movie's bad...IF you don't take it seriously for one minute. It's also not a so-bad-it's-good. It's just there for those who want to see big monsters fight.

Admittedly, my expectations couldn't be lower, namely when Baby Kong showed up in the trailers and he looked like he crawled right out of a Super Nintendo. (Spoiler: his graphics didn't improve in the final product and BY FAR was the worst CGI in the entire franchise.) So, the movie could literally go only up from what I predicted. And it did.

Mostly ANY Kong scene was worthy of a watch. And mind you, NOT when any human did something to him - I only mean when he was away from all humans and on his own adventures.

Funny, I grew up on Godzilla movies and loved them as a kid. I couldn't get enough and while I respected King Kong and loved his three standalone movies (from 1933, 1976 and 2005, forgetting all the other "sequels/crossovers,") Godzilla was my jam. In this MonsterVerse, it's the opposite. Kong is definitely King throughout.

Luckily, I was able to separate my recent LOVE and AWE for Godzilla Minus One when I watched this latest King of the Monsters film. Yes, they're from separate universes, but comparing them is like asking which is better: Bram Stoker's Dracula and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter or Bride of Frankenstein and I, Frankenstein. You know one's great and the other silly.

While this ranks dead-last in the MonsterVerse (see below,) it's still worthy of a watch. It's harmless and may even develop into a drinking game every time you have to say to yourself: "Yeah, right" or "Really? Seriously?"

***

Final Thoughts: My MonsterVerse Ranking:

1. Kong: Skull Island (2017) 2. Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (2023) 3. Godzilla (2014) 4. Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) 5. Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) 6. Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Ghost in the Shell (1995)

Shell-Shocked

[5/10 · 28 March 2024]

I can see *I* wasn't the target audience since it's been a long time since I've been a teenage boy. (But, even when I was.......)

Unfortunately, the only place to watch this online was PlutoTV which had commercials EVERY 11 Minutes without fail. I guess you could say there were as many commercials as there were scenes of full-frontal female nudity.

I'm probably not the best to review an Anime movie as I literally can count on one-hand with 2 fingers left over how many Anime movies I've seen to date: 1988's Akira, 2001's Cowboy Bebop: The Movie and this one. And frankly, I've literally forgotten everything about those first two.

But, I did like this as weird as it was at times. I will say this though: for only being 83 minutes, it felt like it was at least HALF filled with movie exposition. This probably should've been a season of a show or even a 3-hour movie with how much Tell-Don't-Show they did. I could NOT believe how much exposition was in this plus it actually didn't help that much. By the end I never knew why Section 6 and Section 9 were fighting unless that was another sexual innuendo.

Also, I was never 100% sure who the main character was. I'm sure it's supposed to be the "Major," or Motoko Kusanagi, but honestly, she has minimal screentime or at least equal to most other major characters. This IS making me want to see the live-action version to maybe grasp more of the story from a different POV and who the main character really is. (Most likely then the "Major" since the star is Scarlett Johansson.)

To describe this movie would be hard, but in the not-too-distant future (cue MST3k intro here,) an A. I. killer is being pursued by the police...of sorts. They're cyborgs for...reasons. I'm still a little foggy about all this and I just watched this last night.

And don't let the serial killer fool you when he tells you he's NOT an A. I. He most certainly is.

I did like the style, animation and definitely the ending as the best part. In fact, that ending elevated the whole feature. Recommended, especially if you're into Anime.

Or a horny teen boy. Or really any age human who's into chicks.

***

Final Thoughts: Speaking of which, my buddy recommended this movie and I asked him if he had any other anime recommendations, only with more male nudity than female. I was never given one, sadly enough.

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)

Busted and Broken

[2/10 · 24 March 2024]

God, I remember when Ghostbusters used to be funny. For you yutes, that was 40-years-ago.

Never thought I'd ever say this, but 2016's Ghostbusters, the sadly unfunny reboot was WAY better than this p o s. And this didn't start off on the right foot as 5-minutes into this travesty, I already hated it.

I understand Hollywood's really trying desperately to hold onto nostalgia and legacy characters as long as they're not ghosts themselves. I just wish, like Nicole Kidman's awful AMC intro, they'd fade this chapter into the past. In fact, they've already done did this with Ghostbusters: Afterlife and introduced a slew of new/boring characters to take over the helm.

Nope, they're not done yet. Every bit of this movie is "Awww, remember when we did this (scene, music cue, bit) way better? Well, here it is again."

In this wildly dull chapter, the Ghostbustin' family is back in NYC and the same movie takes place that you saw in 1984. Only, this time with horrible and unlikeable characters who bring nothing new to the table. Also, no apologizes, I really, really hated that mother character. Just had to get that out.

This movie is uneven, badly written, edited by someone blind and is obviously missing major scenes as things just...happen. The only praise I could possibly come up with is for the criminally underused Kumail Nanjiani who always makes me, at least, chuckle. With the likes of Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, Patton Oswalt and Paul Rudd - all proven funny people, Nanjiani was the only one with an ounce of humor, or hope, here.

I seriously don't care of there's a part 6. I am done with this franchise. This should've died with Ghostbusters II in 1989 and even that was a few steps too far.

***

Final Thoughts: Not much of a ranking, since only one is great, but here goes:

1. Ghostbusters (1984) 2. Ghostbusters II (1989) 3. Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021) 4. Ghostbusters (2016) 5. Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)

Dune: Part Two (2024)

Stay Duned for Part Three

[8/10 · 21 March 2024]

The ironic part: I left a movie where characters are encouraged not to cry to save water and it was downpouring as I left the theatre. Bet the sand people are jealous.

I almost didn't/wouldn't see this if not for a friend not only motivating me to (just so we could discuss it,) but also because he bought my ticket. Cha-Ching! And beyond the generous gift, I am VERY grateful because I loved this movie. LOVED it.

The reason I almost didn't see it: I wasn't the biggest fan of the Original. Well, Original Part One from 2021. Actually, make that, I wasn't a fan of the Original Original from 40 years ago either. It wasn't until THIS week where I was explained everything and once I understood it, AND rewatched the 2021 1st part, did I like it.

Don't get me wrong, 2021's Part One was PAINFULLY and CRIMINALLY slow, but since I now understand the plot/character/houses, I really dug it. And Part Two...TWICE as GOOD.

It's nearly 3 hours and yet, FLIES by. So well-paced. I tend to not like 3-hour movies, but recently, they've been very well made so you don't feel the runtime. Examples, besides Dune: Part Two: Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One and Avatar: The Way of Water.

Anyways, Dune: Part Two is obviously the conclusion of the 1st storyline of "The One" to bring balance to the desert planet. It's best to watch Part One first followed by a YouTube video on "What You Need to Know Before Seeing Dune: Part Two." That and have a friend who's into the whole Dune Saga. Once you're educated, these movies totally rock.

I will say one thing that irked me, tho. As well paced as I advised, the last third seemingly felt in fast-forward. SOOO much happens in such a short time that I felt like there may have been time jumps we weren't aware of. And that's too bad. The first two acts flowed so very nicely and then bam! We're hit with basically another whole Part Three, but in under an hour.

Other than that, it would be criminal if this didn't win next year's Oscars for Best Sound, Score, Special Effects and Cinematography. I would throw in an award for Rebecca Ferguson since I'm totally biased. I'm in love with that woman and everything about her.

This truly felt like a real movie-going experience by a genuine movie lover. These are rare these days, so go out and support Hollywood love letters such as this.

***

Final Thoughts: I can't wait now for this to come out so I can spend a nice Saturday afternoon watching this mega long saga all-together.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023)

Loki and Subpar

[3/10 · 9 March 2024]

Well, thank the gods its over finally.

Man, DCEU REALLY wanted to be MCU. Not sure why since, statistically, the DC films on the whole are better than the majority of the Marvel movies. This, unfortunately, isn't a good example of that opinion.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is, unbelievably, an improvement over its original film. NOT by much, and it's still really bad. It's basically a five-part Saturday Morning cartoon miniseries only live-action. And by "live-action," I mean some of the faces and bodies looked real.

Instead of joining forces with, I dunno, Superman, Wonder Woman or even Batman, Aquaman turns to his "last chance," his incarcerated, criminal brother to help find/defeat part one's foe once again. Meanwhile, let's learn what it's like to be a Daddy.

Heard this story before? Oh, yeah, Thor did it several times. Heck, they even acknowledged it. My suspicion is the normally more respected director James Wan threw that in because even he was embarrassed by this mediocre superhero adventure.

To be fair, it's harmless and not the worst I've seen. I've actually watched many more MCU movies I hated more than this. It's just a chore to get through and helped me realize why us humans sincerely do have Superhero fatigue.

At least the mid-credit scene didn't sadly promise more from the DCEU.

***

Final Thoughts: In truth, I didn't want to see this. But, I'm a completist and needed to finish off the franchise with my final DCEU ranking:

1. Man of Steel (2013) 2. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Ultimate Edition, 2016) 3. The Flash (2023) 4. Wonder Woman (2017) 5. The Suicide Squad (2021) 6. Shazam! (2019) 7. Shazam! Fury of the Gods (2023) 8. Black Adam (2022) 9. Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020) 10. Blue Beetle (2023) 11. Suicide Squad (Extended Cut, 2016) 12. Zach Snyder's Justice League (2021) 13. Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023) 14. Aquaman (2018) 15. Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) 16. Justice League (2017)

Drive My Car (2021)

Driven to Near Perfection

[8/10 · 20 February 2024]

They definitely took me to places I hadn't seen before.

Woke too early at 6AM, saw this title/cover for a split second as part of a Movie Review vlog for another title and I was somehow drawn to it. Since it was 3-hours and I had someplace to be at 7AM, I found it on MAX and intended to only watch a couple of minutes to see if I'd like it. 35-minutes-later...I was almost late to my appointment.

I don't know what this movie had on me, but it gripped me with its realism. It felt genuine, interesting and compelling even in its everyday simplicity of a story of a famous couple's life. I was swept away in their lives.

A theatre actor/director suffers a major tragedy (well, two back-to-back) and he carries this on his shoulders into his next gig. It doesn't help he won't let people into his psyche, but when he meets his match, he might find a path to healing.

I sincerely doubt this will work for everyone and the argument could be made it was "boring" to some. Of course, I disagree, but if you're not enthralled into this world in the first act, you might want to save yourself the 3-hours.

And funny, I'm a huge advocate against 3-hour movies. I was just fascinated to see where this was going. I *wanted* to follow these characters to completion.

While the movie deals with calamity, it does speak to us on healing methods. Sometimes very directly speaks to us. I love how it's all methodically revealed and how you can live/grow right along the characters. Highly recommended.

***

Final Thoughts: One of the aspects I found compelling was the constant shift in languages (which, honestly, I would've never caught had they not told me in the subtitles.) It went from Japanese to Korean to Mandarin to Tagalog to English to even sign language...sometimes in the very same scene. I thoroughly applaud the actors in seamlessly bouncing these languages off each other, not to mention the script for its originality.

Influencer (II) (2022)

The Talented Miss IG

[7/10 · 18 February 2024]

You know, for being set in Thailand, there was a shocking low number of Thais around.

This was one of those movies that starts with a bang, and even hooked me with the placement/timing of opening credits. I thoroughly enjoyed the first two acts and where this was going despite not at all being 100% original. Unfortunately, while the ending was satisfactory, it all seemed to crumble in the finale.

A social media queen on extended holiday in Asia was ditched by her bf but fear not. She meets the mysterious, but overly friendly CW and who knows where this budding relationship will take them. Maybe to a deserted island without cell reception. That's gotta be killer for an Influencer...

I've actually avoided this movie since I saw its debut on Shudder two years ago. Personally, I cannot stand influencers and don't purposely follow any on any of the social media platforms. I saw one once at a Philippines restaurant at the table next to mine and pretty much lost my appetite. So, horror or not, I wasn't about to watch an entire movie centered around one.

This came highly recommended by my favorite YouTube channel, Dead Meat, so I finally decided to follow their advice. And again, for the first two acts, I was totally hooked and glad it went in a direction I didn't expect. I mean, I saw even more avenues it could've taken while improving the film even further. Regardless, it was solid for two-thirds.

Overall, it's still worth a watch and even the influencer featured had more depth than I expected. I really appreciated that as fake people, even fictional characters, are enormously hard for me to be around/watch.

***

Final Thoughts: I don't say this often, and it pains me when I have to...this should've been longer. I would've loved to see more about the characters learning more about each other before any of them were killed off. That ending was cut too short and with just a little more reveal of the antagonist/protagonists may have caused more likes/hearts/followers.

Oppenheimer (I) (2023)

Definitely Not a Bomb

[9/10 · 17 February 2024]

Barbenheimer, as cute as that was, shouldn't have happened. For one, it destroyed my favorite movie of 2023 (Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning) and second, this should've been a double feature, instead, with Godzilla Minus One.

This is probably the highest rating I've given to a movie I barely understood for the grand majority of screentime. But, I award it for how incredibly outstanding it was filmed. As all-over-the-place the timeline was, I instantly loved how this was shot and constructed. Of course, it's also beautifully filmed and acting was perfection. Not one of the zillion A-listers phoned it in.

Oppenheimer tells the complicated origins of the Atomic Bomb and the race to be first to wield it so the second Great War could conclude. Of course, it's not without its victims - all around and consequences.

Personally, it was a tough decision to finally watch this. Well, easy once it became free on one of the platforms I have access to. But, I hate the nuke so much, anything in reference to it depresses me. Even before this movie, I knew why we had to invent it. That doesn't excuse how terrible humans are that we needed to in the first place.

Once you open pandora's box...

At very least, my voice was heard here in this movie.

Anyways, recommended for anyone interested in this process and the time period. But, also for cinema lovers. This movie was so incredibly well made, it's hard not to put this at the top of Christopher Nolan's best films and that's not an easy decision. Plus, of all the great performances here, it has to be one of the best acting I've seen in a long while - Cillian Murphy. He literally and successfully carried the entire movie. It'd be a crime if he doesn't win Best Actor.

Additionally, it should win for Direction, Score, Sound, Screenplay, Best Supporting Actor for Robert Downey Jr, Editing and Cinematography. Wouldn't be upset with the other awards if it wins.

And thanks to the editing and pacing, those 3-hours went by much swifter than I thought possible. It wasn't the fastest 3-hour movie, heck MI7a sped by quicker, but it never dragged. Highly recommended.

***

Final Thoughts: First 2 hours, I had planned to watch one of those "ending/film explained" YouTube vids on this so I could understand more of what was going on. Mercifully, the last hour really and nicely summed up what I needed to know. Not even in plain English, but at least I was no longer 100% lost in the Science and plot.

West Side Story (1961)

Love at First Side

[5/10 · 12 February 2024]

Well, now I know where the Pet Shop Boys got its additional lyrics from for their 1997 Somewhere song.

Aside from not really being into musicals - despite The Sound of Music and Chicago being two of my all-time favorite movies, I've always avoided this one because I simply couldn't see how gangs could be tough while ballet dancing and snapping their fingers a bunch. No offense to dancers, singers or great performers such as these artists, but that doesn't scream the macho, macho men these characters were supposed to be for me.

Also, I know it "was the times," but couldn't they find more than one Puerto Rican to fill the Sharks' shoes? This looked a lot like brown face to me.

The story is really nothing new. Like 100s of years old, even by 1961 standards. It's Romeo & Julliet - even with the time frame down pat. Oh, and two rival gangs filled with racist rage. As hopeful as this movie wants you to feel, it ends just how you know it will.

It's hard to judge this movie seeing for the first time 63 years after it debuted. For one thing, this won best picture back then, so the audience in the early 60s saw something completely different than I did in 2024.

I did like SOME of the music. Probably the ones I recognized growing up, such as "I Feel Pretty," "America," and as mentioned, "Somewhere." I was not on board with the rest. Don't get me wrong - they all sang great and the chorography was wonderful. The songs just didn't resonate with me.

I liked it fine and glad I crossed it off my bucket movie list. Unfortunately, the movie didn't really pick up for me until the third act when it finally got real and interesting. Sad it took two hours to get to the goods.

And what was with the 10-minute opening still shot? Was that normal back then?

***

Final Thoughts: "Tony! When you come, use the backdoor." ~ Maria.

Maybe I'm looking TOO deep into that line.

Feardotcom (2002)

Fear & Loathing This Nightmare

[1/10 · 11 February 2024]

Wait. It's fear dot com dot com? Seriously?

This was made by someone who loved A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Ring, Seven and the Hellraiser direct-to-video sequels. In fact, I'm shocked this wasn't somehow turned into Hellraiser: Hell Online.

Truthfully, I never had an interest in seeing this unless I had an urge for a bad movie night. My favorite YouTube channel covered this for their podcast so I had to subject myself to this mess. Now, I can listen to said podcast and it better be worth it.

Anyone who visits, haha, fear dot com dot com, has about 48 hours before they perish and it's up to one terrible detective and the worst-ever Department of Health employee (who somehow got promoted to detective) to solve who's behind a bunch of deaths linked to this fear dot com dot com. Oh, and sleepwalking Jeffrey Combs is here to collect a paycheck.

The first half of this movie wasn't great, but not the worst I've seen. Somewhere in the middle this spiraled out of control and I have no idea how they could've messed this up any further. It just goes from bad to terrible and worse, this is probably 25 minutes longer than it needed to be.

Yes, this was made when the internet was still a baby and not everyone knew that much about "logging in" or "being online." Of course, Hollywood (and definitely Japan) would capitalize on that as they did with many more movies made about the net and even VHS tapes. Mercifully and probably the only positive I could find: it wasn't really THAT dated, aside from a few small floppy disc moments and how they perceived subscribers.

There is zero reason to log into fear dot com dot com. Unless you're like me and needed to get the scoop before logging into Dead Meat's Podcast channel.

***

Final Thoughts: You could have a drinking game with how Loosey Goosey the "Department of Health" takes potential virus crises. My favorites: the Health Associate's boss casually asks if what she found at a crime scene was Eboli and she just says no. "Whew!" solved. This and her swiftly jumping into a body of water that screams disease.