orangehenryviii Reviews

Bullet Train (2022)

The Guy Ritchie store called...

[4/10 · 27 September 2022]

..and they want it all back. Even Brad Pitt. Seriously, not that bad a movie for directorial debut, could have been edited down to a great Am Ex commercial, but jeez it was just two hours of being bludgeoned by every Guy Ritchie trope, like being in a Blockbuster and having that section collapse on you, while you're pinned there with the VHS tapes still slowly teetering off the top shelf and pelting you in the face: Snatch "ow!'" Revolver "ow!" RocknRolla "ow!" , Lock Stock and Two Smoking "ows!".

And boy, Sandra Bullock really phoned it in on this one. I have to admit I had a pretty good time though for the first 30 odd minutes while my popcorn lasted but I had to duck out early after they halfway mark.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

The Bulgaria Chainsaw Massacre

[3/10 · 20 February 2022]

Well this movie was not exciting enough to be a train wreck, just more of a migraine, the kind where you feel vaguely like throwing up and just pray for the noise to stop.

Shot in Bulgaria with a cast that is basically what you get when you try to get Hollywood actors in Bulgaria on a Netflix budget, and bogged down by off-the-shelf suspense music, an apparently nonexistent script and every ham-handed horror trope in the book, it's the kind of movie where everything is noticeably off, right down to hair and wardrobe.

It is no small wonder the original directors bailed a week into filming. The replacement director is a pony tail guy who makes energy drink commercials for a living. An energy drink is actually a good idea if you want to stay awake through this flick as it's a full 49 minutes into the 81 running time before a single chainsaw gets fired up.

There is not much entertainment to be had here unless you might get a kick out of watching a busload of Austin hipsters getting sawed on, but that's hardly worth sitting through an hour of snores for. Go watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) instead, it's the only really good one out of the franchise.

And by the way, no... Bulgaria does not look like Texas, at all. Of course it doesn't.

No Time to Die (2021)

Lackluster finale for a boring era of Bond

[5/10 · 14 November 2021]

I have to say, the first 30-odd minutes up to the intro credits were great. It felt like Daniel Craig was ending Bond with a bang, but the following two hours of the movie failed to deliver a single thrill, the only mildly entertaining scene being essentially a 30 minute Range Rover commercial. The remainder of the film was just a whole lot of talking and drama and frowning, just like the last couple Bond movies, and absolutely nothing to do with the character Ian Fleming created.

What a huge waste of Christoph Waltz, who could have been the best Bond villain ever, yet they literally gave him gibberish for lines and only one scene of actual screen time, which was hampered by bad make up. I'm sure he could have ad-libbed better dialogue than they wrote for him.

I don't care what the critics say, the Daniel Craig era of Bond movies has been by far the worst. Every movie has been more boring than the last, each a failed attempt to modernize the Bond role with human drama, which is missing the whole point, i.e. The appeal of Bond is his superhuman ability to surpass human drama. Bond is supposed to be an action hero circling the globe darting in and out of both danger and high society. He's slick, nothing sticks to him. The women he loves all die, he grits his teeth and moves on, all the while keeping the signature British stiff upper lip and dry sense of humor. Sure Bond was in need of some modernizing, gone are the days of it being socially acceptable for Sean Connery to slap and grab his way through every woman to walk on screen. But they have really sucked all the fun out of the character in the process.

If you go to see a Superman movie, you want to see him put on the cape, and you know, fly around and do Superman stuff. You don't want to see Superman mope his way through 2 1/2 hours of baby-mama drama and workplace scandal. The same goes for 007.

The Craig era has just really been a wet blanket on the franchise and I couldn't be happier to see it slip quietly into the past, not with a bang but a whimper.

It was a shame since Daniel Craig is a fine actor and made a great James Bond in every way, yet they hamstrung him with bad writing for every movie since Casino Royale.

.

Dune (2021)

Not Even Close.

[5/10 · 19 October 2021]

This is not even close to as good as the David Lynch version which, as a fan of the books, I felt really brought Frank Herbert's world to life and at least made a noble effort to cover as much of the huge story arc as it could.

Plus Lynch's film was just beautifully alive, darkly vibrant and weird.

This version had its cinematic moments but as a whole felt flat and uninspired., and ultimately fell apart in the last half hour, which felt like a lackluster TV episode made while the head writer was on holiday.

Almost no effort was made to cover the story from the books- it barely covers an eighth of the ground of the first film. As a Frank Herbert fan I was confused at the disinterest the filmmakers apparently had in the story and what their objective was in remaking this film. I mean really, why would you remake a David Lynch movie if you have no interest in the story?

On the plus side, Oscar Isaac and Rebecca Ferguson delivered strong performances with the rest of the cast at least better than middling.

All in all, this would have made a great TV miniseries but really lacked the vision for the big screen, and in particular for a remake of such an iconic cult classic.

Old (2021)

I aged 10 years while watching this movie.

[3/10 · 17 September 2021]

I thought this was just going to be another silly far-fetched M. Night Shyamalan vehicle but it was real! An hour into the movie I could feel my bones begin to weaken and decay. I tried to walk out but headaches forced me back into my seat. I tried to swim for it, and even climb out, but all to no avail. Even the combined best efforts of a team of Hollywood's most talented actors could not hold back the ravages of entropy inflicted upon me by this film.

The Good Nazi (2018 TV Movie)

Very moving

[9/10 · 26 August 2021]

Although short in length this documentary is a must watch for the incredibly moving survivor stories of the people who escaped death at Vilnius as children and returned to its halls as old men with still fresh memories of the horrors they experienced there.

Naked and Afraid of Love (2021– )

Straight Up Trash

[1/10 · 25 August 2021]

I've been a huge fan of all the N&A shows so far, and this could have worked if they had taken the higher road and had people really working together in survival situations, and the real life drama of people coping with hardship and sometimes thriving together.

Instead they took the low road, the same as every other base dating reality show, replete with trashy dating show music and quick shot editing, and casting a bunch of walking tent poles and social media booty shakers.

All that's missing is a fawning failed actor/comedian to host.

I get it, if it had worked it could have been a huge money grab, but from the first episode it's clear mistakes have been made, huge mistakes. I just hope this doesn't portend a downward spiral for the rest of the, so far excellent, N&A series.

Brand New Cherry Flavor (2021)

No Real Cherries

[3/10 · 22 August 2021]

Brand new artificial cherry flavoring on the same old bowl of stupid (contains no actual cherries). Ignore all comparisons to the Davids, Lynch and Cronenberg, that is ridiculous, this is just pure hack, tryin' too hard to be weird and edgy. It's vapid and superficial with a lackluster cast and abysmal writing.

The Girl on the Train (2016)

The Girl in The Most Boring Movie Ever Made.

[4/10 · 14 July 2021]

Seriously, I've tried to watch this movie three times and I just can't sit through it. It's based an (allegedly) good book and has a great cast, I love Justin Theroux (the other J. T.) and The Bluntster, but man oh man is this a four star yawn-o-rama. Maybe one day I'll get to the end of this movie, but not today pal, not today.

Katla (2021)

Not enough cello.

[4/10 · 24 June 2021]

Even though there is a cello sawing away constantly throughout the entire show, one cello is just not enough to create the dramatic atmosphere needed to carry ...well, whatever it is the story is supposed to be about here. I'd say this is a 6 cello minimum show. Without the extra cellos it's just an absolute snore fest. Seriously, if you are having trouble falling asleep put this on autoplay it's just the thing, guaranteed to help you drift off gently to dreamland without any chance of excitement disturbing your slumber.

Army of the Dead (2021)

Army of the Disappoint-Dead

[3/10 · 27 May 2021]

Did you know that dead is a synonym for boring?

I do love me some zombies and had high hopes for this one like everyone, but they began evaporating with the Zombieland clone opening credits and deflated further with every cringe-worthy cover of a classic rock song and apparition of a woefully miscast actor (et tu, Notaro?), until after wincing and waiting for the movie to start gaining steam, it instead rolled itself backwards off a cliff into a flaming lake of stupid.

I don't expect much from a Zack Snyder movie other than breathtaking visuals, which is fine. Sucker Punch and Justice League et al delivered the goods but there were no money shots here, just some goofy CGI and ho-hum action sequences, all dimly lit and shot with a zoom lens, cramping the scenes and blurring out the background, i.e. The zombie horde (the money shots).

It's hard to believe this is the same director who did the great 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake. If only James Gunn had done the script for this one too! The writing is the real nail in the coffin here, with a plot so implausible that even an 8 year old would want to poke holes in it.

The only thing truly dead here is any hope for the upcoming franchise, and also my behind from sitting through this 2 1/2 bore.

Border (2018)

Need a new genre for this one.

[7/10 · 25 April 2021]

Bless them, but I just don't get how the Swedish mind works sometimes. I mean they sat down with a pen and some blank paper, and this is what they came up with...could have been anything, yet they decided to go with this. Then they showed it to some other Swedish people who exclaimed "This is marvelous! Let's make it movie!" And so it is. Albeit a good movie nevertheless, they don't make junk up in Ingmar Bergman land. It's all beautifully filmed and wonderfully acted. Yet the underlying story is beyond horror. It'll probably take me a week to walk off the cringe. So there you have the caveat, if you've a penchant for bizarre movies and can stomach some objectionable content give it a go, but otherwise it's a hard pass.

Chaos Walking (2021)

Chaos walked out of the theater

[1/10 · 2 April 2021]

First off, this is a bad made-for-tv level production with a big name cast who apparently ate all of the budget with nary a nickel left over for a set, so they pulled the ol' SyFy Firefly trick of making outer space westerny and filming in the nearest field with wardrobe salvaged out of storage. However, most distastefully, this movie is rife with gratuitous scenes of animal cruelty. Why, why, why? I've no idea, they are of no intrinsic value to the story and are of a particularly mean and nasty nature. If you are an animal lover you will want to avoid this one, I felt like throwing up. The story and plot are unbearable tripe anyway. Finally I have to say, a bleached-blonde Daisy Ridley did not sit well with my eyeballs. Chaos is walking alright, she's left the building and called an Uber. She will not be returning your messages.

Clarice (2021)

The Silence of The Hannibals

[4/10 · 15 February 2021]

This is a laughably anemic CBS money grab for a movie they couldn't even get all the rights to, and that being said it's about as good or bad as expected. I can't begin to fathom how someone would greenlight a Silence of The Lambs project without the rights to even mention Hannibal Lector. Oh, the hilarity! What's next CBS? A 30 Rock rip-off with no mention of Lemons? A spin-off of The Walking Dead with no zombies..."The Walking"? Please cast all of these with pretty Australian actresses doing southern accents, please! "Can ya still hear the wallabies at night, Clarice?" Speaking of The Walking Dead, this show is obviously killing Michael Cudlitz, the man hadn't aged a day since Band of Brothers, now just look at him!

To the Lake (I) (2019–2022)

The Walking Red

[7/10 · 28 October 2020]

It feels a little got lost in translation with the subtitles, leaving a few plot holes and flat jokes, and some of the music is dangerously close to the 28 days Later theme as well (and wow they sure love that Teach Me Tiger song a little too much!) but all in all pretty solid writing and acting and some really fantastic camera work, and the timeliness of the whole epidemic scenario makes for a binge-worthy watch. The pacing is a little slow but it's a refreshing change from the onslaught of "Teenagers vs. the Apocalypse" type shows.

Life Like (2019)

Hilarious!

[6/10 · 14 July 2020]

The only thing this movie is missing is a well timed Phil Collins song. Addison Timlin, what can I say? We all have a Sophie in our past hahaha. She's so real I can only hope it's just good acting. Though I don't think the filmmakers intended this as a comedy, the shoe fits, and it looks great. Sci-fi fans will get a kick out of seeing The Expanse's Jim Holden (Steven Straight) in the role of a hunky house-bot. It's Kubrick meets Sex, Lies & Videotape with a dash of American Psycho, and a plot that would make M. Night Shyamalan scratch his head. Good popcorn movie fun!

Serenity (I) (2019)

Serenity now!

[4/10 · 8 August 2019]

Serenity, the harrowing true drama of actor Matthew McConaughey's struggle with early onset dementia and alcoholism. Ok so that's not the real plot. but does it matter? No, because the actual plot is so dumb I would hurl my keyboard across the room before explaining it in writing. Just envision Inception, mingled with Dude, Where's My Car? ..all taking place inside The Matrix, only without any action or comedy. Throw in any movie about fishing and you get the complete picture. On the plus side, Anne Hathaway, because Anne Hathaway. She's hot.

Revenge (II) (2017)

New French Eye Candy

[8/10 · 16 May 2018]

Yes there are plot holes, the script, while pretty good, is however superlatively jejune in its grasp of medical science and the laws of physics, preposterously so... preposterous I say, but all of that soon goes out the window thanks to the eye-popping cinematography., and the jejunocidnous and preposterocity (yes I just made up one or both of those words, I think Woody Allen made up the one, they are words now, deal with it) adds to the fun of the experience. The scenes are gorgeous, beautifully well framed and shot, like Kubrick level good. Mad props to director/cinematographer team Coralie Fargeat and Robrecht Heyvaert for filming in a glass house with no reflected crew, the shots are AWESOME.

Honestly my biggest gripe about the plot holes is, who the hell puts a scope on a shotgun? I realize that is actually a thing but c'mon, it's a shotgun, if you need a scope you should not have legally been allowed to drive to where you are or own a gun, without a guide dog.

Just crank your suspension of disbelief up a notch like you're watching a Harry Potter movie and enjoy the eye candy.

Clean Slate (1981)

Perfect Jim Thompson Adaptation

[10/10 · 11 March 2018]

This movie amazed me. I've read most of Jim Thompson's novels (The Grifters, The Killer Inside Me), and this story "Pop. 1280" is one of his best. It is a complex and dark tale told in first person narrative by a protagonist, the Sheriff in a small Southern town, who is both a liar and a sociopathic killer, yet believes himself to be the good guy just doing the inevitable in his situation while all the while playing the town fool. It would seem a hard novel to adapt to film, but Bertrand Tavernier adapts the story to 1930's Senegal flawlessly, and captures the essence of Jim Thompson's writing better than any other film adaptation I have seen of his books. The cinematography is beautiful, long slow shots languishing on one scene after another perfectly capturing the atmosphere of the mid-day lethargy of the African desert. Great acting here too; Philippe Noiret, Isabelle Huppert and the rest of the cast are superb and utterly convincing in their roles. This film is a gem, one of the best film noirs ever.

Congo (1995)

A Goofy Good Time

[7/10 · 11 March 2018]

When a movie opens with a Bruce Campbell cameo as a fanny-pack-sporting explorer you know you are in for a goofy good time. Throw in Tim Curry, Joe Don Baker, a talking gorilla, a volcano, and more fake monkeys than Saturday morning TV in the 70s and it's a party. All this with a Michael Crichton plot and big budget special effects. Thank goodness Spielberg didn't get his hands on this or it may have never turned out to be such ridiculous good fun. If you are are in the mood for a so-bad-its-good/accidentally funny flick, then break out the pop corn and enjoy!

The Hawk Is Dying (2006)

I loved this movie.

[8/10 · 11 March 2018]

Perhaps the most important thing to understand if you are unfamiliar with the eponymous book is that this is a Harry Crews story and as typical of such it is an ugly, depressing and unpleasant tale of a darker, poorer, more bizarre yet more mundane and real America that is rarely depicted in mainstream media without the glamor of gunfights, chase scenes and beautiful people. Also, like Harry Crews' best stories, there is real beauty that shines through in this movie, mainly in the amazing interaction between the red-tail hawk and Paul Giamatti, who is so perfect in this role you would think the book was written about him. This may be his best acting performance to date.This is not a movie that was made for mass audience appeal, but to portray a remarkable story, at which it succeeds brilliantly.

Hell (2011)

"Hell'- German for 'Bright'

[7/10 · 11 March 2018]

This turned out to be a surprisingly good thriller; minimalistic and quick paced, and visually well done. Set in a near-future world devastated by a 10 °C rise in temperatures and blinding sunlight, everything looks very much the part of the post-apocalyptic setting. Good cast, too - Hannah Herzsprung and Stipe Erceg, both stellar in The Baader Meinhof Complex, also do a good job with the sparse dialog here as the desperate protagonists searching for the last of the water. Not your usual Hollywood sci-fi fare with million-dollar C.G.I. and flashy explosions but still taut with enough action to keep you on edge. More reminiscent of the French New Wave Horror movies like Alexandre Aja's High Tension and Xavier Gens' Frontier(s), only this is a much quieter film without all the gratuitous gore.

Nightmare City (1980)

Historically accurate.

[6/10 · 11 March 2018]

Sure it may seem ridiculous to modern audiences, but it is important to remember this film was made several years before the Geneva Convention outlawed the use of knives and hatchets by zombies, as well as such zombie subterfuge tactics as cutting phone lines and sneaking up on people and choking them with a bit of rope, and the implementation of spear-guns. This is actually all quite historically accurate.

Realive (2016)

Please do not Resuscitate

[6/10 · 10 March 2018]

Essentially there is nothing wrong with this movie other than the basic plot of the story, which bogs down in a mire of pedestrian navel gazing.There is no sci-fi here really to speak of, the future world is only vaguely referred to inside of the reanimation clinic. On the plus side its visually great, and Québécois super hottie Charlotte Le Bon gets her bum out, that alone makes this a must-see.

Windtalkers (2002)

There was a good movie in here somewhere

[5/10 · 23 February 2018]

I just recently re-watched this after forgetting why I had shunned it on late night cable all these years. There is a lot of great stuff in this movie, it has a good director, a great cast- Nick Cage , Mark Ruffalo and Peter Stormare three of my faves, and the acting isn't that bad. The movie has good historically interesting subject material and the screenplay is not terrible. Yet this flick, while still fun to watch at 3AM, is a horrendous train wreck. First and foremost of its flaws is the sound. The musical score is just flat out awful. It's misplaced and overbearing. Imagine trying to watch Saving Private Ryan with The A-Team theme playing incessantly and you get the idea. Also the whole sound editing of the battles is hugely off, WWII was a battle of big guns and here it sounds like a Sunday Civil War re-enactment. Adding insult to injury, while the battle scene choreography is visually excellent, it looks as realistic as a M.A.S.H. episode because of the location. Like M.A.S.H. it's just obviously filmed in America. Sorry but my suspension of disbelief just can't be stretched into believing the well manicured landscapes of Hawaii and Southern California were the battlegrounds of WWII. The final nail in the coffin is that all the naval battle scenes are obvious stock footage. Stock Footage! Need I say more?