Jonny-ironica Reviews

The Boy Behind the Door (2020)

How Many Times Can You Roll Your Eyes in 80 Minutes?

[1/10 · 8 August 2021]

Found this on Shudder and thought it was going to be a thrilling little flick. It certainly started off that way and as things went along, you forgive the little mistakes characters make that are standard for cheap horror. You appreciate the references to other horror films such as the axe through the bathroom door. You start to get excited about the twists and turns. You note a MAGA bumper sticker that lets you know these villains are absolutely terrible people.

Then a character leaves a gun by the villain when trying to escape.

And you know that scene at the end of slasher films where the final girl drops the knife because she assumes she's killed the killer but he's DUN DUN DUN still alive? When you realize that's all this film is for the entire hour and a half, it's harder to forgive. You almost want to see the characters get killed off just because their stupidity is too ridiculous, even for kids. Then you just don't care. By the last 20 minutes, I was just repeatedly checking the time, hoping it was almost over.

Hard pass, this wasn't thrilling.

It wasn't even cheap fun.

Only bonus was screaming "oh my god, it's Pam from True Blood!"

Gehenna: Where Death Lives (2016)

Look at these positive reviews from the Kickstarters

[1/10 · 3 March 2019]

Figured out the "twist" as soon as I saw the smashed camera. All of the acting was awful. This film couldn't even make a "so bad, it's good" list. The budget had nothing to do with the quality; I've seen amazing films made for less. The direction and editing were inadequate. I like some bad, cheap horror films but YIKES.

Also, I guess the filmmakers figured a ridiculously long, plotting film would equate to some kind of substance. Honestly, with better direction, editing, sound, actors, pretty much everything, this could've made a fairly intense little horror flick with an 80 minute run time. Not particularly original, but it could've been great popcorn entertainment.

And I can't help but notice all of the positive reviews here are delusional to the point of realizing they were written by friends of the crew or people who donated to the Kickstarter, probably because they're just happy their names were attached to something.

Avoid. The little teaser they show on Netflix makes it look more promising that it is.

Catwoman (2004)

Catwoman

[6/10 · 30 June 2016]

There's no doubt in anyone's mind that a Catwoman film in the early/mid- 1990s featuring Michelle Pfeiffer returning as Selina Kyle would've likely been captivating, mesmerizing, and a great movie. But through wasting time and ideas, we were eventually given this film, an inferior movie that squanders what could've revived a part of the Batman universe a year before Batman Begins. But is it all bad?

The story has its issues. "Attack of the Killer Cosmetics!" It's laughable, but considering the target audience for this movie seemed to be girls and women familiar with society's emphasis on youth and physical beauty, it could've been a bit of a horror story for them.

Sharon Stone has always been the least fun form of camp to cast in a movie. That alone should've told everything they wanted to know about it. Halle Berry's acting has its ups and downs, though I find her acting even harder to watch in any of the X-Men films. The rest of the cast does a decent job with what they're given. Benjamin Brat's on screen chemistry with Berry isn't as immediate as they wanted it to be, but it does build eventually and has some interesting moments. Frances Conroy delivers probably the most intriguing performance in the movie. It was off-kilter, a little bizarre, and definitely not human, which makes it an easy target for critics who flip flop between calling it "groundbreaking" and "horrible" with their inconsistent reviews. Alex Borstein delivers as always, bringing some natural comedy into the film that was sadly overlooked by critics in their determination not to mention anything positive about the film.

So where did it go wrong? Camp acting and a somewhat silly story-line aren't what sink films based on comic book heroes(or in this case, antihero). My main problem, as I watched the film for the first time since 2005 today, was the direction. Strung throughout the film are some really interesting lighting ideas and commendable visuals leaning towards a very art-based film. Then the action shots happen. When a director doesn't seem to know how to capture them clearly, their first instinct is to use so many cut-shots and amp up the speed so high that it becomes a blurred, almost headache-inducing mess. The motorcycle scene, some of the fights, etc. The fight at the very end of the film and bits and pieces of the scene between Berry and Bratt behind the theater show were somewhat well done, but just couldn't make up for everything else.

The CGI was also a huge problem. They either didn't have the budget or the technology to make Berry jumping around look realistic. The CGI Berry, I mean. It just seems odd that they wouldn't simply film stunts on wires and remove them digitally rather than create so many CGI animations that made me feel like half the film was a cartoon. Pixar this is not.

Bigger than the bad CGI was... the soundtrack and score. There seemed to be some kind of battle between trying to make an epic hero film and an urban action-comedy. Every time the film would've benefited from a good string section, they placed in some teen-pop R&B song. It seems like they decided post-production that they needed to market it towards that group instead of toward the fan-base Catwoman already had and it hurts the film immensely.

All of this said, there's a decent film hidden underneath all of these problems. There's a fun, campy little slice of cinema with the decent idea to make Catwoman an anthology of women discovering how to be confident, sexy, and uncompromising. It's just a shame that it's buried under so much of a mess.

I could probably sit through this and not hate it, at least loving it's intentions. And I have to enjoy a good bit of it from time to time.

Some people hate this film, some people love it. I don't think it's terrible, but it's definitely not that great. I'll probably just watch it every great once in awhile to admire a handful of good choices that really shine and lament that it could've been so much more.

6/10 stars.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

My favorite in the series, definitely the best sequel.

[9/10 · 19 April 2016]

By the time I was 10, I'd seen all of the series up to that point(born in 1989, Freddy VS Jason had yet to come out by then). Part 3, Dream Warriors, became an immediate favorite as I had a childlike fascination with the idea that a group of kids could be heroes with superpowers in their dreams. And while that fascination has died down, my love for this movie has not changed.

Boasting a well-rounded cast and a return of Heroine Nancy from the first film, this sequel captured Freddy at his best. A blend between the scary, looming figure with a perverse humor and the wise- cracking, one-liner Freddy of later entries. Here, it wasn't tiresome. As funny as the "Welcome to prime time, B----!" line is, being strung up like a puppet by veins and muscles is terrifying. There's also something troubled teens can connect with: the suicide theme(which had more prominence in Craven's original script). The idea that you could be murdered by someone and have everyone who loves you think you committed suicide is horrifying in my mind.

The atmosphere of the sets, the lighting, and the score while they're dreaming were very well done and essentially, this is one of the most original supernatural slashers in existence.

I know many people complain that this is where Freddy took a turn for the worse(though I really think it's part 4 where he lost the chill factor with his stalking, manipulation, and kills), but this is the high point in the series for me.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

Actually grew on me over time.

[6/10 · 19 April 2016]

Let me start by saying for awhile, this film competed with Part 6(Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare) for worst in the series. Then after a few more views of it and the rest of the series, it flip- flopped with Part 5(The Dream Child) as the second worst.

Having re-watched the entire series in a marathon over a couple of days, I finally came to terms with this film. There's much to praise, probably as much as there is to denounce.

The positive aspects include the dark tone. Freddy would never be as dark and serious as he was in the first two films. True, there were flickers of humor in his mannerisms and actions, but it never went all-out comedy. Another positive aspect I've come to enjoy is the homosexual subtext. The idea that Freddy represents the main character's repressed sexuality fighting it's way out. Growing up, I found this laughable, but the more I think about, the more I realize: fighting homosexuality, being closeted, resisting the urges in order to keep yourself safe in a society that is still not 100% okay with who you are is terrifying. And in the '80s with the AIDS scare being new and heavily labeled as a "gay-only disease", this must've really struck a chord with some people. That's horror. It's a real feeling. And though it takes the gay tones a bit too far to the camp side at times, that's what horror of the '80s was known for. A blend of camp and terror. Another thing to enjoy about the film is that even though they had a completely new cast and characters, they still found a way to link it to the first. Had this film been critically successful, I don't think I would've minded the franchise becoming a stream of sequels about different teens moving into the house and discovering Freddy in new and terrifying ways. With the exception of Dream Warriors and New Nightmare, it would've been far superior to the trash we would've ended up with.

BUT as much as I enjoy things about this film, there's still too much wrong with it for me to thoroughly enjoy as a "great" entry in the series. I'm not going to talk about how things in this film were "against the rules" of the series because at the time, the "series" did not exist so it wasn't breaking any rules. Freddy got into the real world in part 1, there's no reason he shouldn't be able to through other means. The pool party I do not dislike for Freddy being in the "real world." I dislike the party because I did not know a single thing about any of those teens. No names, no characteristics, nothing. This film could've used 3 or 4 more characters with some development to kill off rather than throw in a pool scene that seemed only to be made to make sure the body count wasn't the dramatically low 3 it would've been without it. Probably one of the bigger reasons I can't love this film is the way Freddy was defeated, which is actually a lot closer to the first film that most people seem to think. Cheesy, a bit overacted, not that climactic.

So, after years and years of having this film sit with a 1 star rating on IMDb, I bump it up to a mediocre 5.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Iconic

[9/10 · 19 April 2016]

What is there to really say about this film that hasn't been echoed in thousands of glowing reviews around the world for the last 32 years? The original film in a shaky franchise took an amazing idea for a story and was worked on by a cast and crew with a clear passion and love for what they were doing. Atmosphere, terror, backstory, great special effects for the time, interesting kills in a genre where the original ideas for them was starting to run dry by 1984.

Wes Craven's direction and writing have almost always been on top of the horror genre. Every actor in this film gave it their absolute best that even when it's not exactly "great" acting, you can tell they've developed their characters so well that it's believable. And Robert Englund managed to evoke an iconic character who will be remembered by fans for years to come.

The only thing that keeps this film from being stellar perfection is some VERY small pacing issues throughout the film. It adds a much needed depth and story compared to every other slasher films lack of character development and story. It could've benefited from an additional character or two, a couple more creative kill sequences, but that's just me being nit-picky on the tiniest things. This is a masterpiece and what Craven would've mainly been known for had Scream not come along.

Extraterrestrial (2014)

Enjoyably Cliché Until That Ending.

[5/10 · 6 April 2015]

Extraterrestrial takes every slasher movie cliché and blends it with every alien abduction cliché for something silly, yet fun.

Horror films like this are built on having you yell at the screen, roll your eyes at the character, and predicting everything you know is coming. Does it make it a stupid film? Oh yes. Does it make it incredibly silly most of the time? You bet.

But that's all the fun. No one watches movies like this to be genuinely scared, but the great thing about watching them is laughing at plot points, corny lines, and jumping a little, even when you knew that alien was going to pop out of nowhere.

The film actually has some visually appealing moments too, they clearly had a decent budget to throw in the special effects while working some interesting camera angles and ideas at other points.

However, the ending of the film, which tries to all-of-a-sudden become something fresh and twisted, ends up coming across as boring and trying too hard. This film could've ended on a terribly cliché, but welcome downer ending or it could've ended on a lighter note, but instead the ending had me wondering where that sense of fun and thrills went and regretting enjoying the movie in all of it's ridiculousness prior.

It deserves it's solidly mediocre 5 stars and might even lean towards the lower half of the ratings. Worth a look, but falls apart in the end.

From the Dark (2014)

For late night thrills, I enjoyed it.

[9/10 · 6 April 2015]

From the Dark was a pretty good little thrill-ride, even if it's not the most flawless or intelligent film.

Basic plot: After their car gets stuck in the mud, a traveling couple have a run in with a creature that cannot be in a source of light. As the creature slowly diminishes their sources of light, they fight to stay alive and evade it.

Without spoiling too much, I will say that this film is basic survival horror without much story to bog it down as anything other than a simple little horror flick for mindless entertainment. The atmosphere is bold and the direction can be pretty creepy, even if the bold and interesting camera work can sometimes make it feel like too much. Still, major props for building a movie where you spend so much time paying attention to the background for the thrill of seeing something that isn't obviously there.

I do see many complaints from other viewers about the fact that there were a handful of light sources that were overlooked by the main character, but I must say, when thrown into every situation, do you often notice every detail or think clear enough to make the best moves possible? Apparently if characters in horror films aren't the brightest and sometimes make poor decisions, then it is unbelievable and a bad film. Heaven forbid anyone is flawed, ya know?

As far as finding light sources and just staying in them til sunlight, I do believe those people weren't paying attention. The creature was not entirely stupid or slow. Trying to remain in a light source without moving only led it to find ways around it and cut off the light. Even setting an entire house on fire wouldn't have been the safest mood: fires get out of control and I'm sure no one wants to burn to death.

Those things aside, horror films like this are pretty much built around the trope of wanting you to scream "NO! NO! DON'T DO THAT! DON'T GO IN THERE! IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU, STUPID!" which I think adds to the thrill.

So all in all, no, the movie isn't genius and it's definitely not a 10. But for what it is, it's a successful little thriller chiller., sure to appease people looking for something simple and creepy. Fairly solid, but not groundbreaking.

Animal (I) (2014)

Decent Monster Flick.

[6/10 · 31 March 2015]

Horror movie opening: The Lesbo from Chasing Amy, That Guy From Soap Operas, and a Blatino(whom I'd love to sit on my face) watch a female rapper get torn to shreds by what we can only assume is Predator without the laugh.

And then, ever so unexpectedly: A Beefcake and Eyebrows Plucked to Hell head out to the woods with Chilli, Peter Pan, and Sassypants McGee where they have a run in with Predator's mentally challenged cousin, and barricade themselves into a middle class version of the cabin from The Evil Dead. Joining forces with The Lezzie,Soap Opera DILF, and the Blatino(who becomes Senor Douche-bag), the movie dives headfirst into Dwindling Party Trope as Preda-dur-dur-dur picks them off one by one.

See: Reinforce The Barricades, Try to Outsmart the Beast, The Asshole Won't Let Us Back In, Someone's Pregnant, "There used to be more of us", etc.

Those things aside, the movie does break away from some of the conventions and the Typical Horror Movie Idiot Conversation is often balanced with some witty humor from Sassypants, who unfortunately Outs a Dead Guy(RUDE!) in fear.

If more horror films balanced the humor and drama as well as this film did, the genre probably wouldn't be as much of a piñata for critics. And although in the end, it only ends up being a few notches above average, it's worth watching for horror fans.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003)

A 90s TV Favorite

[8/10 · 26 February 2015]

Buffy was one of my favorite television addictions for awhile. In the midst of The WB struggling to find an audience, Buffy came along and set the tone for the way the channel would be run for the length of it's run. But more than that, Buffy was a snappy show with smart writing, excellent casting, and a good dose of originality. It set the standard for supernatural shows and then surpassed itself. The initial four seasons were highly addictive and combined comedy, horror, drama, romance, and suspense in an effective way. That said, the show did jump it's shark sometime in season 5 and, after moving to UPN, never fully regained it's footing other than a few good episodes among a mess that became too complicated for the casual viewer. That said, the show will remain highly influential long after it's heyday. Very highly recommended for people looking for a tighter show than the somewhat redundant and bleak supernatural shows that started popping up over the last ten or so years.

Girl House (2014)

Effective Genre Piece

[7/10 · 25 February 2015]

Slasher films are no longer in and that usually signifies a drop in quality, but this film is a bright spot in the genre. Most people think of modern slashers as a step below the original peak through the 80s. However, this film has nearly every aspect that qualifies as a decent one. While the film breaks no new ground and (like many) is not the least bit scary, it delivers everything you could expect:

• The killer is a sadistic psycho, pushed over the edge, and hellbent on having his revenge. The mask was a little Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but after so many of these films, they're bound to run out of masks that look threatening. He did remain a near-invincible threat until the end of the film. And while the opening may have generated some understanding into his tendencies as a murderer, it doesn't make him sympathetic and thus the anti-hero title that falls on some slashers.

• The heroine is the "wholesome and virginal" girl who outsmarts the killer. Though the film's subject matter keeps her from being the typical final girl in it's exact definition, she's like-able and enjoyable to watch.

• The rest of the cast are the typical, expendable stock characters that you expect to die but with a few new traits(as this film is 2014, not 1984): the lesbians, the main drug addict being a female(and heroin instead of pot), the additional characters witnessing the massacre take place via the internet. Some of the reactions were genuinely funny.

While some of it doesn't work and the first hour of "mounting tension" isn't all that tense, the character "development" wasn't completely boring and it was nice to see some focus on suspense rather than gore. That's something most modern slashers have mistakenly tried to up the stakes with. The common misconception was the 80s slashers were heavy on gore, but in all reality, the budgets were not extravagant. Tension was key to those films and is key to enjoying this one as well.

Overall: I'm going to keep the copy of this film I have and recommend it to genre-enthusiasts. It's slightly camp, a good bit suspenseful, and much more fun than many recent slasher entries. Also: bonus points for casting Nicole Fox, who won Cycle 13 of America's Next Top Model. While slashers often cast unknowns, I find it nice when there's always that one actor or actress you've known about prior to the film.

[REC] 4: Apocalypse (2014)

An Alienating, Unexpected Finale.

[7/10 · 28 January 2015]

Rec and Rec 2 were some of the most inspiring, horrific genre pieces to come out of the late 2000s. Europe had revitalized horror and managed to push it back into serious territory done well to contrast with America's emphasized near-parody and unintentionally bad or funny horror films. After letting the series take a slight detour into that awful American- like quality with part 3, Rec 4's details showed promise of returning the series to it's original style, climaxing with a finale that could string them together into one of the best horror trilogies.

Unfortunately, that is not what happened here. To say Rec 4 is a bad film is stretching. I think what we have here is a case of "one step forward, half a step back" from part 3. What's changed is not just the abandonment of the "found footage" style that's become synonymous with some promising independent horror films lately. I don't believe dropping that style is what's changed the quality of this film. The film has taken a turn for the camp, whether intentional or unintentional, but it's still entertaining. It's hard to write a review when you want to stress that it's not a bad film, but it's not what was expected so it's a bit of a letdown. Some of the film is too ridiculous, some of the film is funny(where many people feel it shouldn't be funny), but some of it is genuinely nice.

I do dislike that they've dropped the possession aspect in order to focus on the virus as simply a parasite that makes you evil. Where the second film's twist was a genuine surprise, this film's twist was obvious a good while before it was revealed.

However, this is not a bad film, it's just extremely different. I recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind a little bit of a left-field swing for the finale.

But if you're going to get butt-hurt by the abrupt sub-genre-switch between parts 2 and 4, let part 2 be your ending. For me, it works either way. I would definitely recommend this movie to some people though because for it's goals, it's very accomplished, even if it's inferior to the excellent first 2 films.

REC (2007)

A Great Piece For It's Genre

[10/10 · 28 January 2015]

I'm going to make this a short, jumbled review to just recap a handful of reasons to enjoy this film and the aspects that I think will appeal to most people looking for those aspects.

I was fortunate enough to stumble across Rec in 2008 with subtitles and witnessed one of the greatest modern horror films ever. The film provides atmosphere, convincing acting, thrills, chills, surprises, and shocks. The last 10 minutes or so were the most intense moments I'd seen in years. The story may not be entirely original, but it doesn't have to be. The horror genre and it's sub-genres have been built on clichés.

However, Rec does twist some of the conventions and blends the zombie genre with the demonic possession genre flawlessly, making it somewhat of a twist at the end of the film. I highly recommend this to people with an open mind, who don't mind subtitles. For those of you who'd prefer the Americanized version, find Quarantine, although I do warn that it takes the movie's final twist, the voice recording that plays, and distorts it to the point where they ruin that part of the story.

10/10 stars.

[Rec]² (2009)

Fantastic Expansion on a Modern Horror Masterpiece

[9/10 · 28 January 2015]

With these films, I don't want to give away TOO many details in case the person reading this review hasn't seen it yet.

While the first film relied heavily on atmosphere and telling a story through unfolding horrific events, building up to the last 10 minutes which exposed a huge amount of explanation while remaining some of the most intense moments in horror history.

Rec 2 follows a similar pattern but spends more time expanding on the previous film's climactic ending throughout the film. The thrills take only a slight backseat at times to divulge a nice amount of exposition. This approach is actually slightly superior story-wise, but makes it slightly inferior to the original. However, both films stand as equal on quality level and are worth being viewed as 1 competent, coherent story among chaos.

Unfortunately, the American bastardization of the original was followed by a sequel that holds nothing to this film, but that's another rant for another IMDb review.

Overall, this is a 9/10. Near perfection for the horror genre, which saw an inspiring dose of revitalization in Europe after 2000.

Night of the Living Dead (2014)

You've Got to Be Kidding.

[1/10 · 21 January 2015]

Unfortunately, a long-standing grave mistake with the original Night of the Living Dead was the accidental failure to copyright the prints, thus putting the film into public domain to be remade. Fortunately, it took quite a long while before people used this as an excuse to churn out things to the general public so horrible that no one should want to see them. But it seems that beginning with the 2006 3D remake, the Night of the Living Dead story is going to become a piñata for terrible "filmmakers" everywhere to ruin.

*This* particular "film" takes that idea and doesn't just destroy the story, it runs it into the ground with poor directing, acting, writing, editing, sound mixing, etc. Now I have nothing against an amateur film company that wants to make a name for themselves by experimenting, growing, and eventually satisfying movie-watching audiences by the dozens(maybe hundreds if they can put up something that can hold with great indie-classics that never got mainstream attention they deserved). However, this film shows such disrespect for George Romero's masterpiece that everyone involved owes a written apology to everyone involved with the original, starting with Romero. They have taken a horror icon's beautifully flawed masterpiece and turned it into a steaming pile of... yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Then even further than insulting the original and it's team, people involved with this film have taken it upon themselves to write positive reviews for the film on IMDb and rate it fairly high in order to promote it as something worth watching, no, worth PAYING to watch. That should count as theft with how horrible this film is, and I am incredibly happy that I did not pay to see it. And not only do they insult the original, they insult the noble remake in 1990.

Everyone knows the Tom Savini version from 1990 was an amazing effort to add something new to the original while staying true to the spirit, the ideas, even the flaws of the original. Whether people genuinely liked it or not, it held its own as something that at least had the utmost respect for it's source material.

I sincerely hope the people responsible for this remake are not benefiting(or even making their budget back) with any amount of money. Everything they do make from selling this should be doubled from their pockets, refunded to the movie-watchers they ripped off and sent to Romero himself.

Avoid at all costs. And if you find a copy lying around somewhere, burn it.

Charmed: Witch Way Now? (2002) Season 4, Episode 22

The Second Best Season Finale.

[10/10 · 19 April 2009]

While "All Hell Breaks Loose" was a phenomenal cliffhanger, it's not how you want to see a show end. However, in my heart, this is where the real show ended. Season 4 managed to pull off something I doubted, creating a story involving a long-lost sister and it actually fitting into the show's history.

After a season of coping with the death of Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Paige have vanquished The Source of All Evil (twice) and are offered the chance to get rid of their powers and live normal lives (Piper's dream come true). An Angel of Destiny gives them 24 hours to consider the proposal and a subplot ensues which leads Phoebe to believe that she couldn't live without her powers. Paige, new to being a witch, is likely to side with her. And Piper? Well majority rules, so screw her future of having the life she always wanted, once again Phoebe calls the shots.

But it ends with the confirmation that Piper is pregnant, something she never thought could happen with their busy demon-fighting lives. What more could you ask for? All of the loose ends are tied up, they've fulfilled their destiny and even though they decide to keep their powers, Piper's pregnancy gives hope that things will be less hectic in the future.

If you follow Charmed's background, you'll understand that this is the last season where Constance M. Burge worked on the show and was able to provide some creative input.

Following this season, the show gets increasingly silly, self-contradicting and just downright irritating. So unless you're going to watch seasons 5-8 for the lovely Holly Marie Combs as I did, end it here. Otherwise, like a majority of Charmed fans, you'll grow annoyed with it.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

My All-time favorite movie & The Queen of Cult Classics

[10/10 · 28 July 2008]

Seriously now. The very first time I saw this movie was on Comedy Central back in 2001 and I caught it halfway through. I honestly had no idea what it was about, but I loved the music. I'd honestly forgotten about it until several months later when my friend pulled it out and suggested we watch it. After watching the movie all the way through for the first time, I concluded that it was my new favorite movie. Of course, that was back when my favorite movie would change every once in awhile, but seven years later, it still holds strong as my all time favorite movie! I have to confess, I am a Rocky Horror Virgin. I have never had the exhilarating and liberating experience of seeing it in theaters, but I will as soon as I can find the nearest showing.

Anyway, now that I've explained how I've come to love the movie, let me explain the movie itself.

It all stemmed from a play that I believe debuted in 1973 in London, written by Richard O'Brien. The play was transformed into this movie and released in 1975. Although UK audiences accepted it well enough, the US rejected it. Critics panned it, no one went to see it and the film was dubbed a bomb. After some time, a theater started playing it at midnight and soon people were lining up to see it at midnight, dressed crazily or as their favorite characters or both. Audience participation, funny games and acting it out on a stage in front of the screen also became a huge part of it and the film has become the queen of all cult classics in my opinion. You can still find midnight showings today.

For those of you who couldn't guess, it's a musical. And it opens with what has become perhaps one of it's most trademark images, the big red lips on the screen singing the opening song which is most an ode to old Science Fiction movies (hence the title of the song "Science Fiction/Double Feature".

It then moves in to a wedding where we meet two of our protagonists, Brad and Janet. Brad pops the question and the two set out to meet their old professor who introduced them. Along the way, they get a flat and decide to check for a phone at a nearby castle.

Once inside the castle, they come to realize they've stumbled upon something of a nightmare and a freakshow. A mad scientist, a creepy butler, a deranged maid, a groupie, the mad scientist's creation, a party of guests and they all refer to them as Transylvanians. For those who think they mean the country, you are sadly mistaken.

After a weird string of sexual escapades and shocking revelations, who shows up but Dr. Scott(the professor Brad and Janet were on their way to see). It is revealed he works for the FBI, investigating UFO's. However, he claims he is there because he is looking for his nephew Eddie. Eddie was a victim of Frank-N-Furter, the mad scientist, who used half of Eddie's brain to bring his creation to life.

After they've all discovered they've been eating Eddie for dinner, Frank turns them into stone and dresses them for the random-yet-genius Floor Show.

Ready for the final twist? The butler and the maid have had enough of Frank running around and doing whatever he wants. They kill Frank and his creation before telling the guests to leave and blasting the castle, which ends up being a space-ship back to their home planet, leaving Brad, Janet and Dr. Scott dazed and rolling around in the front yard where the castle blasted off from.

Confused? Maybe The Criminologist who narrates along the way can help you understand. Just watch the movie! Still confused? There are many website devoted to explaining everything out. And even though some of them are so thorough, you would have to believe them, they are all theories.

Want more? A follow-up called "Rocky Horror Shows His Heels" was planned, but after extensive rewrites and budget cuts, the movie "Shock Treatment" was made. Is it a sequel? Sort of. A lot of fans call it an equal and don't hold it as high as they do this movie. There are also a lot of RHPS fans who disown the movie altogether and ignore it. If you plan on seeing it, I suggest listening to the soundtrack thoroughly because if you don't know the music enough to help you into the story, it may slightly bore you.

However, this movie is my all-time favorite movie and I highly recommend it. 100 out of 10.

The Dark Knight (2008)

Meh...

[1/10 · 19 July 2008]

I'll have to admit, I was not keen on seeing this movie, just because I didn't really enjoy Batman Begins, but I had some hope this movie would be an improvement. And it was... slightly.

I did like Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker, besides having no back story or anything like that. Does it deserve an Oscar nod? Not really. I think that's mainly out of the fact that he bit the big one earlier this year. That and he was supposedly going insane while(or because) he was taking on the role, so I guess the acting wasn't much of stretch, then, was it? I have to admit, the direction wasn't very original or spectacular. But besides that, the movie was chalked full of big BANG BOOM action scenes. The scenes that dealt with dialogue seemed to be trying to make up for the lack of action with cheap humor that wasn't all that funny.

Rachael Dawes, the most pointless character in the new series... What can I say about her? Other than no one really seemed to care about her or her death. The only reason I feel like she returned for this film was to give Harvey Dent a reason to go nuts and start whacking people.

Which brings me to Two-Face... Was it necessary to shove that villain into the last part of the movie like a bad subplot? I think it would've been more appropriate for him to have his own sequel, but I guess the writers really didn't think he deserved that.

I also feel like everything in the movie was so forced together. I mean, 3 villains in one movie and none of them hardly interact. I mean, you got Scarecrow briefly cameo-ing his way into the first little bit of the movie. I don't mean to compare the movie to Burton's works because that's biased(and screw you, because I am) but Batman Returns had all 3 of it's bad guys smoothly fit together in the film... was it really that hard? The last thing I really did not like in the movie was Christian Bale's "I-Must-Sound- Like-I'm-an-80-year-old -woman-who-has-cancer- and-still-smokes-after-60- something-years" voice.

Other than those things, the movie was okay. Does it deserve a 9.7? To be above the likes of Pulp Fiction, Alien, Aliens, Psycho, Grindhouse, etc? Not really. I think the movie has lost itself in the hype and most of the people who gave it a 10 did so because they didn't understand half the movie, but thought it looked cool. I think the movie would sit nice with a 6 or 7.something rating, but that's my opinion.

Anyway, I will be not be seeing any more films in this version of the series, so you won't hear from me about it again.

Charmed (1998–2006)

Charmed, sweet Charmed.

[10/10 · 8 March 2008]

Don't mistake my 10 stars for the whole show. The first four seasons of this show were amazing. Every week it was the best thing to watch on television for me. But after season 4, everything just went downhill. I watched it until the end, but only to see Holly Marie Combs act crop circles around everyone else. I'll order the seasons from my favorite to least favorite, because I don't want to give away too much about the plot. Here's what I recommend, and if you want to watch it, watch it.

Season Three: There is so much to love here. The season was very action packed. Shannen Doherty, Holly Marie Combs and Alyssa Milano gave the best performances of their lives in this season. It was exciting(All Hell Breaks Loose), it was heart-breaking (Magic Hour), it was fun (Magic Hour) and it just gave some of the best episodes all around. It is also the season with the best episode of Charmed you'll ever see, All Hell Breaks Loose. It was the season finale and a cliffhanger. I recommend the episodes: Coyote Piper, All Halliwell's Eve, Once Upon a Time, Blinded by the Whitelighter, Bride and Gloom, Sin Francisco, and Magic Hour.

Season One: The season that started it all is much different from the rest of the show, but you can't help but love the way it plays out. From the premiere to the finale, you learn so much about the Charmed universe and by the end of the season, it's clear that there is so much more to learn. The premiere is also one of the best episodes ever, definitely the best of the season. Stand-out episodes are: Dead Man Dating, The Truth Is Out There and It Hurts, Which Prue Is It, Anyway?, That 70's Episode, The Wendigo, Is There a Woogy In the House?, The Fourth Sister, and Deja Vu All Over Again.

Season Two: The second season may not be the strongest, but it showed that Charmed wasn't going to be the same thing over and over like the first season kind of got across. The best episode of the season is Morality Bites. Other great episodes include: She's a Man Baby, A Man, P3H20, Heartbreak City, Awakened, Pardon My Past, Give Me a Sign, Chick Flick, Astral Monkies, and Ex Libris.

Season Four: It's the first season without Shannen Doherty, but the old Charmed is still there. This season has so much more to offer, even though the tone gets awfully dark. The best episode is the premiere. Other great episodes are: Hell Hath No Fury, Brain Drain, Trial By Magic, Charmed and Dangerous, Long Live the Queen, and Witch Way Now?(which would've served as the perfect series finale).

Season Six: Even though apparently half the season's budget was blown on the premiere, this season wasn't as bad as the rest of the latter seasons. The writing had lost a lot of it's serious tone, but some episodes still showed the spark Charmed had before. The best episode is probably the finale. Other okay episodes are: Little Monsters, Chris-Crossed, and The Courtship of Wyatt's Father Season Five: Before seasons seven and eight, this was the worst season of the show. You can tell from the first episode or two that the tone is MUCH different and, consequently, not for the better. The best episode is Sense and Sensability, who was written by Brian Krause, who stars in the show. It's one of the few good things about the season. Other okay episodes are: Siren Song, The Eyes Have It, Centennial Charmed, Cat House and House Call.

Season Seven: Overall this season isn't all that great, and I usually juggle it with season five, but for this, I thought I'd put season five before it because I couldn't find any episode I would recommend from it.

Season Eight: This is the absolute worst part of the show. It's a waste of time and space, I don't recommend it, even for it's plot-holed finale.

Lastly, the main reason to watch this show is Holly Marie Combs, possibly the most underrated actress of all time. Time after time, she outshines all of the other actors and actresses on this show with her comedy, her emotion, her passion and just her overall ability. Her character is one you sympathize with and feel for throughout it's run.

Cloverfield (2008)

Better than any other monster-attack film...

[10/10 · 20 January 2008]

So, I've been seeing previews for this film since late last year and the teaser especially had me wanting to see it. What I'm writing tells a whole lot of the plot, so yes, it's spoiler full. However, this first paragraph has no spoilers, and gives an overall opinion over the film. The movie is shot from a hand-held cam point of view, which we all know has been done, but it gives the film genre a new and interesting take. However, if The Blair Witch Project made you nauseous, I don't think this movie is for you. Other than that, I think the direction is amazing. The special effects are nothing less than spectacular, but it doesn't take away from the film's heart. I gave it a 10/10 rating because no movie is perfect, but this has got to be one of the best efforts I've ever seen. Therefore, it does deserve a 10.

The film's first thirty minutes or so establish character development that actually makes you feel for the characters. Rob Hawkins' friends are throwing him a going away party as he's leaving for Japan for his job. It's discovered that he fell in love with his best friend, Beth, and they slept together. However, she brings another man to the party and the tension causes a fight. Beth leaves abruptly, very upset. You also get to know Rob's brother, Jason and his girlfriend Lily. Then you get to know Marlena, a sarcastic girl who has shifty eyes and looks uncomfortable. And of course, you can't forget the guy behind the camera, Hud, who has feelings for Marlena(thus causing her character's development).

A tremor, which some very pointedly point out could be another terrorist attack, sends everyone onto the roof where they witness an explosion that sends things flying towards them. They all rush into the street to discover the head of Lady Liberty being hurled down the street and because no movie is complete without sad humor that defines Americans, people start taking pictures of it with their camera phones. That sent me into giggles.

Fast-forward.

They are then rushed by the military to the bridge leading out of the Island, but while Rob pauses because Beth calls his cell phone, panicked and injured, telling him she can't move and she's bleeding, Rob's brother, Jason goes down when the monster's tail takes a whack at the bridge or something. Marlena, Hud, Rob, and Lily all make it off the bridge where they race to the subway. They all take a moment to grieve when who else but Rob's mother calls. At first at laughed at his "Hiiii Mooom" tone, but then it brought tears to my eyes when he had to tell her about his brother, her son.

Fast-forward.

They decide to take the subway tunnel to Beth's street and try to get to her. Here you hear some of the funniest lines of the movie from Hud and Marlena. They do have a good chemistry together. The tunnel features probably one of the scariest scenes where they are attacked by parasites that came off the giant monster. All in all, they survive with Marlena suffering from a bite and lock themselves in a room. They decide to try the streets again.

When they go up to the streets, they are found by soldiers and taken to a tent. Unfortunately, Marlena's bite causes her stomach to expand and explode(which you don't really get to see because as soon as the soldiers discover she's been bitten, they take her behind a tent, but trust me, the shadows are all you need to see; it's still pretty terrifying.

Fast forward.

Basically, they find Beth alive and remove the metal pipe thing(sorry for not knowing what they're called) from her chest and escape back down the building just in time.

Fast forward.

They get to the last helicopters fleeing the city before it's bombed. Lily is forced into a helicopter by herself and gets away first, supposedly surviving the movie.

Hud, Rob and Beth make it into another helicopter and are watching the monster run from all the things being shot at it. It supposedly goes down in a cloud of smoke and just as Hud is screaming something along the lines of "Hell yeah! That's what I'm talking about" the monster reaches up and promptly smacks the crap out of them.

The helicopter goes down, but Beth and Hud are uninjured. Rob is still alive, but apparently has a bad injury to his leg. (FYI, this survival is entirely possible, look it up if you don't believe it.) Anyway, the monster comes right in front of them and apparently chews Hud to death before spitting him back out. Rob and Beth grab the camera and flee to a bridge in the park. They document everything that's happened to them just before a bomb or something lands on top of them. The camera gets stuck under some rocks, unable to capture anything, but you hear Rob and Beth exchange their final "I Love You's" before supposedly being blown up and dying. However, people are already disputing this because after the credits, you hear someone say "Help us" played backwards sounds like "It's still alive".

My complaints with the movie are far and few between. The movie has some obvious plot points that have been used before. For example, when being attacked in the tunnels by the parasites, Marlena comes back to help Hud by beating one off of him instead of running. Later, this is addressed by Hud who says,"You could've just run, but you didn't." Clearly, that's generic, but it's completely forgivable in this movie. All in all, I recommend this as long as the camera work doesn't bother you.

Absolutely Fabulous: Small Opening (2001) Season 4, Episode 5

"Eddie... Eddie? Is it.. is it a beeee?"

[10/10 · 7 January 2008]

"Eddie, find it-KILL IT!" This episode is the absolute best and my all time favorite episode of Absolutely Fabulous. It starts off with Eddie and Patsy doing some with drugs(I could never tell if they were organizing or just doing them) and they start hearing a ringtone that is a high-pitched note. Because they're blitzed and stoned, they freak out and panic only to discover it's on Eddie. Eddie quickly pulls it out and throws it on the kitchen table, then hits it with a wine bottle. Then she picks it up to Patsy's 'realization': "Oh it's a small shoe." Eddie answers the phone to hear her son screaming for help and calls the police.

Patsy, who is the best comedic character to come out of this show, panics,"Not the filth! Not the porkers!" and starts flushing some of their drugs, hiding some of their drugs, burning some of them and flat out swallowing them.

Upon Saffron entering the room without Patsy realizing it, she startles Patsy who screams,"I'm a registered addict!" After the police leave, it's discovered that Eddie heard a rehearsal from part of Saffy's play.

Fast-forward to the play, which Eddie is deeply upset is premiering, and you really had to have seen a lot of previous episodes to appreciate it's hilarity.

Overall, this is the most amazingly hilarious episode of Ab Fab and I recommend it to everyone who watches the show.

America's Next Top Model (2003–2018)

Trash Television at Its Finest

[4/10 · 22 October 2007]

Alright, anyone with a brain could tell that this show is a little unfair. Who is picked and who is sent home is so contrived; everyone can see straight through it. It really is too bad a lot of them are in denial. Anyway, let's go through a typical season, or cycle, I should say, because Tyra has to be menstrual.(I stole that from someone funny.) The first episode generally starts a clip show with a Tyra-logue about modeling. How far she made me, how she struggled, how she is(or was, depending on who you favor) #1. Then we go through 30-something young girls who get flown in to some city for an in-person interview of sorts so Tyra can get a glimpse of their TV personalities and hear sob stories. The Tyra makes a series of cuts to get down to the top 10, 12, 13, or 14 contestants.

Almost all the episodes after that generally go like this: we open with the b*tches, I mean "aspiring models" in Tyra's ego-house. There's fighting, there's laughing, there's the focus(usually) on the girl who is going to be ceremoniously sacked by the end of the episode.

The girl's are then sent to a few things, sometimes in a different order. The first is usually some sort of contest to depict who can do the best at something stupid. Blah, blah, blah. Then comes the photo shoot. The photo shoots are generally the second best thing in the show, second only to the pictures that are shown during panel.

Of course, there are usually some episodes throughout the season/cycle that break the robotedness. The first is always the make-over episode, generally 3 or 4 episodes in. Everyone gets a dramatically awesome hair make-over(or not, in a lot of cases) and there's always some menstrual case whining(except for cycle 8, where when no one whined enough, they had to take out Jael's cute extensions just to really irritate).

And then there's the episode where the girls do an acting session and star in a commercial or something of the like. And sometimes we get a clip show where no one is eliminated and nothing is all that interesting. And of course, there's always the episode where the girls get sent to a foreign fashion capitol(and apparently, any big city in the world is a fashion capitol to Ty-Ty) and someone gets sent home without being there for 24 hours.

Then the final episode shakes it up a bit. Because there are only 3 contestants left, we must suffer two eliminations where Tyra reminds us what the winner gets. And it's always the same thing. A modeling contract and a magazine spread(It was with "Elle Magazine" the first few cycles, but I think when they realized this show didn't turn out any actual TOP models TyTy's winner's got dropped to "Seventeen Magazine".) So yeah, they usually do a CoverGirl shoot to pick the final two and then do a fashion show... before evaluating both finalists and usually picking (in my opinion except for Cycles 1 and 7) the worst of the duo.

In all honesty, this show doesn't really turn out what you could call Big Winners, but it's entertaining when you need a guilty pleasure amount of trash in your week. Enjoy.

Charmed: Unaired Pilot (1998) Season 1, Episode 0

A shorter version of the first episode with a different Phoebe and Andy

[9/10 · 9 October 2007]

This pilot was filmed before the trees began blooming for spring in early 1998. Shannen Doherty and Holly Marie Combs were cast as the older Halliwell sisters who are living in their family home after their grandmother passed away. Lori Rom plays the youngest sister, Phoebe, who moves in, strangely enough, after Prue mentions they need help around the house. Apparently Phoebe was an irresponsible little slut who hit on Prue's fiancé... although Prue broke off the engagement with her fiancé anyway??? Well, we can't always count on the most solid writing. Oh and Andy is also played by Chris Boyd or whomever.

Anyway, if you're reading this review, you should have seen the first episode, so let's assume you know the general plot and name the differences.

Because the writer/creator wanted this show to focus more on the sisters, Andy isn't given as much development with Prue as he is in the first episode. Also, many people say Lori Rom is a no-talent hack who couldn't play Phoebe right, but I think Rom delivers a DIFFERENT performance... one that's not.. oh... as slutty. Not really. I just think she plays a quirkier Phoebe, one who couldn't have possibly hit on Prue's fiancé and done 90% of the things Phoebe did when she was played by Alyssa Milano for the rest of the series. That being said, the only real problem with Rom is that she is about a foot taller than Doherty and Combs, which doesn't work when she's supposed to be the youngest.

All this said, the pilot is still one of the better ones I have seen and really feeds the addiction hardcore Charmed fans crave. That's why it gets a 9/10.

Oh and Chris Boyd also got sacked and ends up being played by T.W. King.. who gets killed off at the end of season 1 anyway.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Good but disappointing

[5/10 · 7 June 2004]

I have read all 5 Harry Potter books that are out at the time and so far, number 3 is my favorite. You can imagine my excitement in wanting to see this movie. The first one was okay and the second one was much better. Learning a new director was behind this one thrilled me even more, thinking 'Excellent, it'll appear new and be the best movie too'. Wrong. Very wrong. *May contain Spoilers after here* Okay, what enraged me the most was the sudden handgrabbing with Hermione and Ron. That was never even thought of in the book because they fought through almost the entire thing! How dare the stupid movie makers/writers even try to give people that haven't read the book that idea! Another quality I disliked was that they rarely showed teachers from previous movies, it showed not one Charms, Transfiguration, or Potions class. Find that alittle odd? You see Professor McGonagal and Dumbledore maybe three times throughout the film. Next, I must be angry with the wardrobers! Why were they in normal clothing almost throughout the entire thing! We even saw before that outside of classes they still had to wear uniforms! Another thing is the explanation of things. The pace of this movie was too fast and they never explained that Moony was Remus Lupin, Wormtail was Peter Pettigrew, Padfoot was Sirius Black, and Prongs was James Potter. They also didn't explain how Sirius escaped from Azkaban. Other various things were left out. The ending, which usually has Harry leaving the train was left out completely(I mean, all the books ended that way, the movie should've too). Instead we get a shot of Harry trying out his Firebolt...

Overall, this movie was worse than the first two but, thankfully, the idiot director will not be returning for the fourth, they've gotten someone else.

There were some good things in the movie but not enough to save it overall. Buckbeak was cute and real looking which gave the film a bonus of noncrappy special effects. The dementors were awesome even though I never pictured them flying but that made it scarier. As usual, the use of magic was good and the acting improved.

I give the film a 6 out of 10.