jethrojohn Reviews

Uncharted (2022)

This Movie... Exists...

[5/10 · 21 January 2024]

At least, I think it does. I have a vague memory of it happening in front of my eyes.

The reason I'm confused is because I wasn't engaged at all. At any point. Well. I was at a few points, but I'll get to that.

I'm a huge Uncharted fan. Have been since the first game way back when, and when I was a kid and heard there was gonna be a movie, I was so excited.

Then years of development issues and miscasting (come on, we all wanted Nathan Fillion or even just Nolan North himself) led us to this.

And this is a mess. The word soulless was thrown around a lot in regards to this movie, and that's the best word for it, really.

There's no original thought in this. All the set pieces are stolen from the games, which I suppose is fine. But they forgot to take any of the humour or character from them, too.

The story is basically that kid wants treasure. Gets recruited to find it by thief. Movie happens. Action things. Fights. Some vague plot about gold.

That's it.

No one has any character. They're just a homogenous mass of actors saying lines that feel like they were written by AI.

I feel sorry for all involved, because even the best actors in the world would have trouble with this script, and the young cast (Hollywood made everyone young for more mass market appeal cause the characters in the games are all adults) can't do much with it.

The lone exception to this is Antonio Banderas, who is LITERALLY the only character in the film with any charisma. You understand his motivations and what drives him. And he's having a real blast. Unfortunately, the movie decides to focus on everyone else, who are so boring I can't even remember their names.

This isn't a case of "the movie isn't good cause it isn't like the games". This just isn't a good movie. It's a heavily workshopped modern Hollywood blockbuster that feels like it was written by AI.

The jokes aren't funny. The story isn't there. The acting is there but not good (apart from Banderas).

It's sad, because even National Treasure was a fun time. Derivative and silly, but fun. It had some kind of heart.

This has nothing. No soul. No love. Just a bunch of people doing stuff in front of green screens.

On the most basic level, it works as a movie. It goes from one place to another and has people saying and doing things and making things happen.

You won't remember ANY of it, though. Maybe they'll do better in a sequel?

Which we are definitely getting. Sigh.

Go watch Indiana Jones again. Or National Treasure. Or the much better Tomb Raider movie (which isn't getting a sequel while this is and that's a crime against us movie goers).

Never pay for this. And if you're wondering how the games could be good when this isn't, go and play the games if you haven't. Cause those are fun.

The Man in the Iron Mask (I) (1998)

Melodrama and High Emotion with Little Swordfighting

[5/10 · 2 January 2024]

This is one of those films that you either fall in love with or don't care for very much.

I must confess to being indifferent.

The cast is great. The sets are great. Everything is lavishly produced. It has all the things that make an old Hollywood blockbuster great.

But for a swashbuckler, there is very little of that. Almost none, in fact. Swords get drawn and put away without being used, over and over.

Most of the film is melodrama. Hidden love, secret passion, secret children, scheming to steal a love from someone else, hidden parentage. Leo does his best to turn it up to 11 in what must have been a fun role. The rest of the cast do what they can.

If you feel like a soap opera or are a fan of the old Gainsborough Melodramas and expect the same from this movie, I'm sure you'll love it.

Lines like "I wear the mask, it does not wear me!" are designed to elicit cheers and emotions from the audience, even if they're not well written.

The orchestral score swells when it is supposed to make the blood pump.

And there are moments near the end when it looks like there's gonna be a lotta action, but there isn't much.

If you expect an action film in the vein of Flynn's Robin Hood, then you'll be sorely disappointed. Go in expecting melodramatic hokum of the highest order, and you'll get what you're looking for.

I must admit, however, that the script treats women terribly. All the female characters are basically useless, there to look pretty and act as plot devices.

Of special mention is the poor woman forced to play Christine, an absolutely useless character that lacks any personality beyond wide-eyed stupidity. I feel so bad for the actress tasked to play this thankless, awful role. She doesn't even get ANY payoff in the plot. She simply drives the men to do things, then is quickly forgotten.

Sadly, all the female characters are like that. Purely there as plot points. Set decoration that look attractive and (in the case of the queen) as child producers. It's just... not good.

For me, this film doesn't work. I can't get involved in the melodrama cause I just don't want to. I personally do not find any of the characters particularly engaging or interesting.

They're all ready to sacrifice their lives at the drop of a hat, yet there's no real emotion behind it.

Ah well. It isn't a bad film. Just temper your expectations, and know what to expect from it.

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Prolonged with Tortuous, Unengaging Melodrama

[5/10 · 21 October 2023]

I'd been keen to see this one for AGES cause I really enjoy Barker's stories and the weird world he makes.

I was hoping this would be a classic, but it failed to reach that for me.

Our basic plot is that a photographer obsessed with death starts noticing people disappearing, connects it to a hulking man in a suit, and starts discovering grisly murders and weird stuff happening beneath streets.

And the film is fine when it focuses on that. Unfortunately, someone felt the need to include Maya (Leslie Bibb in a thankless role), and add some silly melodrama to the film. So we have a love story that's supposed to connect us to the characters, but it's so vapid and empty that it just gets in the way.

This film could have been a lean, mean 90 minutes of horror as Bradley Cooper's character was established, then went hunting for the perfect shot, then had an all-out knock-down fight with the Butcher.

Cause both Cooper and Jones play their characters well, with Jones a particular highlight here. The casting is perfect and his presence undeniable.

But my word the melodrama that just stops the film dead every five minutes. I don't care about the girlfriend or his badly characterised friends. I just want the horror stuff and the sometimes decent gore.

(This is a film from 2006, when producers stuffed films with poorly done CGI cause they figured everyone loved it, and it has aged as well as a steak that's been left in a gym bag for years.)

It doesn't help that Maya is such a pathetic, empty character, with no agency beyond "doing things for her weird, creepy boyfriend".

The result is a move that is tortuously overlong, resulting in me losing interest pretty quickly. There's also some plot holes that just don't make much sense.

Some of it is good. Most of it isn't. A mixed bag, I think you'd say.

Hard Target 2 (2016 Video)

Adkins Isn't Mean Enough

[5/10 · 7 October 2023]

I do wish people would stop wasting Scott Adkins. He's a better fighter and actor than JCVD ever was, but he doesn't get big enough budgets to really breathe.

Here he plays an MMA dude who accidentally kills his friend in the ring. This depresses him and he starts punishing himself with cheap fights, until he's tricked into the old Hard Target/Most Dangerous Game thing.

This was never going to be as good as the first, because it has a smaller budget and no John Woo. Still, there are a couple things that let it down.

One is the script, which even the cast, including Rhona Mitra and Jango Fett himself, can't do much with the lines they're given, sadly.

It's played way too straight for this kind of thing. Where the first had JCVD kicking snakes, this is so serious and grey that it's a bit dull, really. Everyone is all sad and glum and angry. No one is having fun - not even the hunters. So the audience is left grey most of the time too.

The third thing that's wrong is that it is too long. Action scenes aren't really that creative or exciting. They happen, end, then we get more of the boring characters being boring. Fight for a minute, end, some dialogue, repeat.

We spend half an hour stuffing about with really dull contextless MMA stuff that means nothing and is just filler. If they'd cut this to 90 minutes it would be better. At least Adkins has his shirt off for most of it.

And the final thing that REALLY lets this one down is the fact that our hero doesn't actually kill the many people - except his friend at the start and one of the hunters accidentally. He's not mean enough for this.

There's no glorious Rambo-esque satisfaction of seeing him pick off the hunters one by one. They all either die by accident, their own hands, or the sidekick lady character kills them.

Adkins is supposed the hardcore hero, but he keeps leaving dangerous psychopaths alive for reasons passing understanding. Even when they've proven that they're beyond redemption.

He finds a cache of weapons and does nothing with it.

There aren't any glorious shootouts. There's some gunfire. Some explosions. The usual.

I think this goes back to the tone being so darn serious the whole way through. We're supposed to care about his boring arc about redeeming himself for killing his friend, yadda yadda.

It doesn't work for this kind of film. This should be all out, silly, over-the-top action.

We don't get that.

We do get a couple decent fights that don't go on long enough or get interesting enough to be real standouts (this isn't the excellence of Accident Man).

The boat chase bit is alright and is apparently from the first, which was cut in favour of a horse chase. But boats are actually quite slow so it isn't very exciting.

Nothing stands out. It's all competent but about as memorable as a packet of generic brand salted crisps from a petrol station.

The kak soundtrack (which is so utterly, painfully generic) doesn't help. Thumping base and droning horns. Think "action soundtrack" and it'll play in your head.

This needed better action. More interesting kills. And more life to it to be something great.

Instead it's like a ham sandwich made with no butter or cheese, just ham on white bread. Competent, but you won't remember it a minute later.

Invitation to a Murder (2023)

Sweet Lord Almighty

[1/10 · 3 October 2023]

I hadn't heard of this before I stumbled across it online, and my lord, I knew why almost immediately.

I get what they're going for here. It's an Agatha Christie homage type thing with a plot heavily inspired by Christie's And Then There Were None.

But there are so many baffling choices.

The first being, why set it in England?

NONE of the cast can do an even passable English accent, and when your lead is doing an almost unbearably bad one (even though she was BORN in London), someone should have said "let's just set it in America".

The woman who is supposed to be Spanish thinks Spanish people end every word with "shhhhh" for some reason.

The next issue is the appalling acting. Bad accents aside, they can't act. At all. None of them seem to have any talent, especially the lead, who just fails at being clever or self-assured.

Watch one scene where she's supposedly using powers of deduction to say whether people are telling the truth. It's very Holmes-like, but if Holmes were written by a toddler with no understanding of what made that character clever.

We also have the historical inaccuracies. There are so many problems and anachronisms that I stopped counting for fear of going mad.

Here are a couple.

British police carrying weapons.

A butler/servant with a horribly misaligned tie (in an exclusive, rich household, are you mad?).

At one point, our lead (a supposed mystery addict) calls Poirot "Inspector Poirot", which bugged me more than I care to mention.

The only nice thing about this film are the sets, which are quite gorgeous. Their location team chose a good place to set this story.

There are also a couple of nicely composed shots, and the direction on the whole is competent.

Everything else is terrible though. Every time the lead tries to be clever or make deductions, you'll get annoyed, trust me. Her delivery is just that awful.

(The script doesn't help either...)

A lot of this could have been avoided if they had just set the film in the US and let the cast use their real accents. Maybe then the acting would have passed muster.

I looked into the crew behind the film, and they seem to have all produced children's movies of varying degrees of terrible. Nothing really worth watching, so I suppose they were challenging themselves here.

Apparently, the lead actress has been doing this for ages. Mischa, her name is, but I can't see how she could have been acting for so long and not have learned anything.

No one else is really worth noting here.

Avoid at all costs.

Miss Marple: The Body in the Library (1984)

Great, Except for One Thing

[7/10 · 17 September 2023]

This is a lovely adaptation of The Body in the Library.

One of the best things about it is the relationship between the Melchett's. The two actors have such great chemistry, and you really get a sense of how solid their relationship is. How well they work together.

Hickson plays Marple brilliantly. She's kind, and sweet. If one doesn't pay attention, they will miss the twinkle of genuine intelligence in her eyes. The way they take everything in, missing nothing. Knowing and studying all.

The locations, set design, and direction are all similarly brilliant. You get a wonderful sense of place and time.

However, the adaptation does fall down in one area. And it is a major one.

The casting of Trudie Skylar in a pretty major role. If you know anything about the story, you'll understand immediately what I mean.

She's just... awful. Absolutely, stunningly awful in the role. It's not often one performance rips me from a film so completely that I wish she was not in it at all.

Skylar does this each time she appears. It is hard to understand how she could be allowed to give a performance like this unless everyone on set was asleep while she was there.

Even the minor characters are better equipped than she is to handle the task.

I do wonder if it is a failure of direction or whether she's just an awful actress, as I have not seen her before. I do not understand how she was cast or how anyone could fathom that her performance was good enough to print.

Other than her, however, what you have here is a good bit of English cosy mystery that is well worth a watch.

The Kiss of the Vampire (1963)

Top-Notch Production Values Marred By Dull as Dishwater Leads

[5/10 · 26 August 2023]

As this is a vampire Hammer horror picture, you mostly know what you're getting.

Blood. High gothic trappings. A terrified town. An innocent girl. And since this was an earlier one, it doesn't have the copious amounts of blood or boobs, so the tone here is a lot classier.

The film has an utterly corking opening.

As villagers gather around a grave, the village drunk - a Professor - comes to the side of it. Everyone disapproves of his presence. He picks up a shovel and plunges it through the lid of the coffin. A sudden scream. A welling up of blood. And the villagers flee in terror.

Sadly, we are then introduced to our two leads, who are two of the most boring people on planet earth. I honestly don't remember their names, so we have Blonde Pretty Girl and Man, whose car breaks down right outside a gothic mansion filled with vampires.

Things proceed mostly as you would expect from there, but unlike, say, Hammer's Dracula or Frankenstein, there's no real magnetic presence to take us through the film.

Blonde Girl and Man are so unbelievably dull, so devoid of character or personality, that they just suck all the fun out of what should be an enjoyable romp of a picture. Worse, the film seems to think we care about these two absolute idiots.

Honestly, they deserve to be turned into vampires, but I'd pity the poor sods who would have to spend eternity with these personality vacuums.

The film should have followed the Professor from the beginning, a man struggling to come to terms with the supernatural being real while doing his best to protect the town. His alcoholism makes sense, because he's had his beliefs shattered and no one else in the village helps him, because apparently being a drunk is a lot worse than being part of a cult of blood sucking vampires who worship Satan.

Honestly, I grew to hate the leads, as they did nothing endearing throughout. So, why we didn't follow the actually interesting character is beyond me. Probably cause management thought the audience would automatically care about a pretty blonde girl? No matter how stupid she is.

Everything else is top notch, from the direction to the absolutely stunning set design and costuming, giving us am atmosphere for the leads to utterly ruin every chance they get.

The plot is also ridiculous. After stealing the Blonde from Man, they just tell him he came to the party alone and they've never heard of his wife. Why?

I'm expected to believe these people could happily kill and convince all these women's husbands that they came to parties alone? Because they seem to have been doing it for a while.

Why didn't they just kill him? It's not like they'd be in danger if they did. Leaving him alive makes no sense.

Usually, I wouldn't harp on the nonsense of the plot in something like this, but trust me when I tell you that you'll have plenty of time to study it as you zone out watching the leads do nothing.

My advice? Unless you LOVE gothic horror, avoid this.

All in Good Faith (1985–1988)

Would Be Better, If the Family Wasn't Insufferable

[5/10 · 9 August 2023]

I was looking around for a nice, comfy British show about a vicar. That's how this popped up on my radar.

The premise is a nice one. A kindly middle aged vicar having a mid-life crisis takes on a church in a "troubled" parish to get some life back into his bones.

Only... that doesn't happen till the second the series. The first series is about his struggles with his original parish, including the bullying old curate who makes him do things he doesn't want to do.

This means that the first season seems stuck on one issue - the arguments about him going to the new parish. A will he or won't he scenario, that is already a forgone conclusion because of the main premise.

What really annoys, however, is the wife of the kindly vicar, who is as supportive of her husband and his plight as a wall full of razor blades. The woman is constantly angry at him for wanting to take on the challenge of a new parish, as her life is too comfortable at the old one.

This is a constant thing throughout season one. The wife is constantly shouting and screaming at him, getting angry and annoyed and conspiring with the kids to keep him at the old parish.

The very same parish that he hates so much. The man is beaten and downtrodden, at one point saying he has very little pride or faith left in himself or even God.

I get not wanting to move... but perhaps, maybe, the woman could be a tad supportive of her terminally depressed husband?

Perhaps she could put her ideas of a "comfortable" existence aside so that the poor man doesn't end up killing himself in a couple years?

This makes the wife insufferable, obstinate, and combative, as she has no empathy for her downtrodden husband. The man doesn't only want a "challenge", he wants to find the will to live again. And he sees helping people in a troubled parish as the only way to do that.

And his wife is so against that mostly selfless act. So content is she with her little cottage in a small English village and her life of doing mostly nothing that she's willing to let her husband suffer the bullying and complete lack of anything interesting.

It really got to me. Especially since the woman is so unwilling to compromise.

If she had just been a tad more supportive of the poor man, who is obviously clinically depressed and close to suicidal (a mortal sin for his ilk, I'll remind you).

And she has nothing really to fight about. Except comfort. She does nothing useful at the old parish. She doesn't do charity or anything that helps the community. She just stays at home being useless.

This constant issue is exacerbated by the length of time it takes our vicar to even GET to the new parish. So, by the time season 2 rolls around, the wife has become an awful person that ruins the show.

Watch it if you can stand a selfish moron shouting amongst the gentler moments. But if you can't, avoid.

Chungking Express (1994)

Beautiful, Poignant, Sweet

[9/10 · 8 August 2023]

This film will leave a lasting impression on you. It has for so many.

The story is told in three small vignettes, with two lovelorn cops, one smuggling lady in a blonde wig, and a woman who loves one song and works in a kebab shop.

To say anymore would be spoiling. Because to watch this movie is to experience something lovely. It's not overly flashy or huge or made to compete with big Hollywood productions. It's a small film, with a small scope, and yet is more touching and human that all the CGI in Hollywood could ever hope to try and recreate.

What's most impressive is how the script manages to make all the characters so deep, and so different. By the end of the film, you'll know them all, and love them as much as they seem to love each other.

The acting is top notch across the board, and if you as a westerner didn't know Tony Leung before this, well here's a wonderful introduction.

The man is handsome, for sure, but his undeniable humanity, a trait that seems to leap from the screen and grab you by the soul, is what will enthrall you. His acting is neither flashy. There are no grand gestures or screaming in the rain.

Yet, he still manages to convey every emotion with the subtlest of movements. With the smallest of expressions.

Faye Wong is equally good. Her obvious anxiousness and lack of confidence when dealing with a man she obviously cares for is so evident in the small details, like her touching her nose when he expresses interest.

And the others are great, too.

But this is a film that needs to be watched more than once, so that you can feel all it is trying to give to you.

All I can say is that at the end of the film, you'll feel good inside. You'll be touched.

And maybe a little sad that you can't live with any of these wonderful people.

Murder on the Blackpool Express (2017 TV Movie)

Some Funny Lines But General Cheapness and Stagey Scenes Let it Down

[6/10 · 30 July 2023]

I was kind of excited for this, cause I like Johnny Vegas. I gotta say I enjoyed it, but not as much as I'd like.

What we have is the typical murder mystery set-up. Passengers on a coach tour are being bumped off. All the characters are various degrees of awful, or hiding secrets, and all are going for quirky.

Ostensibly, we should have some sort of investigation going on, but the film gets to the hour mark of its 90 minutes before any of the characters even realise that there's a killer on the loose.

Which is the first problem of the show. We have a murder mystery without any clues or investigation, so what we're doing is just watching people get knocked off and not getting any idea why.

What's left is the comedy, which is very hit and miss. The staging is very TV-like, with flat shot composition and no interesting shots. Poirot was made for TV and it was better than this, although I suspect the production values are much lower here.

Visually, it is uninspired, with perfunctory direction. The camera barely moves.

The acting is pretty bad across the board. It seems the actors were instructed to act as if they were in a farce, perhaps? Meaning it all comes off like an amateur stage play, with line delivery made by people standing around just saying things that are sometimes funny.

The main couple do quite well, though, with good chemistry between Vegas and Sian. Everyone else, though talented, feels like this is their first picture. The overacting grates after a while.

(I wasn't surprised to see that many of them were from Corrie...)

What doesn't help is the pretty poor writing. The script is all over the place, not brilliantly funny, and just kind of amusing. It'll get a chuckle or a smile out of you, but nothing on the level of, say, the better Carry Ons.

We have such great lines as:

"Heads don't just fall off!"

Delivered with all the conviction of a sausage bap at a petrol station.

All in all, an amusing watching, that'll get a smile or two, but won't get much else from you.

Destination Wedding (2018)

I Zoned Out After an Hour

[6/10 · 27 July 2023]

Seen a lotta people call this an anti-rom com, but it isn't really. It hits all the same beats as the standard rom com.

People meet and hate each other. People bicker and hate each other more. Then find common ground. Love blossoms.

Only difference is that these two people, played by Reeves and Ryder, aren't your typical Hollywood nice couple.

I think this was an excuse for the two leads to have a bit of fun acting alongside each other in a pretty place (they're apparently great friends), and it is something different for them both.

The story is two introverted people who whine and complain about everyone and everything find common ground in their general annoyance at humanity.

This is all about the conversation, which is basically start to finish, from when the leads meet, and some of it is really funny. Some of it is chuckle worthy. And some other stuff is just there.

The constant dialogue, which doesn't reveal much about the people saying it after about an hour, sounded a bit droning to me after a while. Both the leads are great, here playing people that I probably wouldn't want to spend much time around, but their charm comes through in every scene. I also feel like they're both having loads of fun.

But the script isn't very clever. Or isn't as clever as it thinks it is. It doesn't reveal anything about life or its meaning, it's just two people whinging, then musing a bit, then whinging some more.

The characters don't have much depth, either. Reeves is the cynic. Ryder slightly more hopeful, yet hung up on her ex from years ago (whose wedding she's attending). No hidden depths are revealed, the two don't surprise you or grow in any way. They start as two lines of text and end as that, and if anyone else was playing them, they'd have literally nothing interesting about them whatsoever.

It isn't awful. And the sex scene is so awkward that it is funny and cringe-worthy at the same time, so it is worth watching. Some of the jokes land.

At its heart, however, this is a film that is a 100% cliche rom-com with two main characters who are a little bit different from the usual, and a script that never allows for any quiet moments.

Watch if you like the leads, otherwise, meh is all I got. Actually, I like the leads and meh is still all I got.

So, hey ho, I guess...

The Trojan Horse (1961)

Entertaining, If Somewhat Lacking in Depth

[6/10 · 24 July 2023]

The Great Steeve Reeves stars in this lavishly produced peplum film as Aeneas, a great hero of the Trojan war who would go on to establish the site of Rome (yet one who has curiously little media dedicated to him).

This is an entertaining movie, made with hundreds of extras and big sets, and although I can't seem to find much about its making (it was thought lost for many years), it is obvious that this had a massive budget for the time.

There are some good battle scenes, and some decent one-on-one fights featuring Reeves defending his honour and his city.

The story is a loose adaptation of the epic, with Helen being a scheming, evil witch in this one, and Paris being much the same. A sad little coward of man that wants glory but is too much of a wimp to fight for it.

There's a touch of love story. A touch of tragedy. And some political arguments. All in all, a decent peplum film, well directed and acted and staged.

But at its heart - still just a peplum in a sea of them.

I will say, however, that I prefer this to the awful Hollywood version of the tale, which was huge and overblown and just downright bad.

Funny how an old Italian film made to cash in on a trend was more entertaining to me than a multi-million dollar epic made with the latest tech, which bored the tits off me. Make of that what you will.

This was followed by a direct sequel, also starring Reeves, that followed him as he fought to set up a site for the dispossessed Trojans.

A site that would later become the Immortal Rome.

That is also worth watching.

The Pale Horse (2020)

Rubbish of the Talest Order

[3/10 · 23 July 2023]

I've enjoyed other Phelps' adaptations before, including And Then There Were None and the one with Bill Nighy, but this one is complete nonsense.

Firstly, as with equally abominable The ABC Murders, this only has the loosest of loose associations with the Christie original, taking the character names, witches supposedly committing murders, and The Pale Horse Pub from the book. Everything else is invention.

But even knowing that, this one is difficult to swallow. Our hero is an unlikable sod, for one, and for two I have literally no idea what was happening throughout.

I'm sure it has something to do with real witchcraft and supernatural elements, but even with that, nothing makes any sense. The story seems to go through themes of purgatory, guilt, and other such things, and there's something to do with dreams.

Other than that, I haven't a Scooby, old son.

This would have done better had it either been entirely it's own thing, or if it had stuck to the book. By taking the license, they set up fans for a bad adaptation and confused everyone else. Not sure what the overlap is with Christie fans and fans of supernatural musings on guilt. I imagine it can't be very much.

I guess I fall into that overlap. However, even then, I can't with this thing. I'd love a real adaptation of The Pale Horse. And maybe the plot of this adaptation done well?

As it is, it is as if Phelps wrote her first draft using stream of consciousness, and never went back to fix it. They just filmed whatever was on the page.

And the script is the issue here. A load of absolute nonsense from a fever dream.

The Pale Horse (1997 TV Movie)

Not Very Well Done

[5/10 · 23 July 2023]

After Sarah Phelps' butchering of the story, I was hoping this adaptation was better...

It isn't.

A lot is ommited from the book (as usual with any adaptation that isn't Agatha Christie's Poirot, which makes changes but always keep the core of the story intact), including the best character- Mrs. Oliver.

In this one, Mark witnesses the murder and puts himself in the frame, then (reluctantly) investigates to find the real killer.

Our first issue, beyond the budgetary constraints that makes the supposedly 60s setting feel token and badly done, is Mark himself. Our hero is pretty dim here, obstinate, and kind of a moron. Even though he's in the frame and a supposed artist (he doesn't seem to know anything about art), he refuses to believe anyone telling him that the other deaths are connected.

Next we have the cops, who are complete idiots on the level of a Monty Python sketch, complete with Andy Serkis with ridiculous hair and a chief inspector that constantly looks to camera with a devilish smile. I realise cops in reality are probably this inept sometimes, but I doubt they look to camera and grin about it.

Everything else just annoyed me. I think it is Mark's attitude throughout, a kind of cooler than thou attempt at James Dean that falls flat.

He looks so disinterested and dismissive, sulking his way through scenes as if his life doesn't hang in the balance.

And the rest of acting is more panto than murder mystery. Even Serkis is bad.

The women fare a lot better, with better acting from them. None of it saves the adaptation, though, which would have been a lot better if they'd stuck to the book more.

The Ghoul (1933)

Dreadfully Dull Heroes Ruin Otherwise Fun Film

[6/10 · 15 July 2023]

This is one of those films that capitalises on Karloff being great.

In it, he plays an egyptologist who loves Egypt so much that he wants to be taken to its afterlife. There's some guff about a jewel that'll give him eternal life or something, and everyone wants the jewel cause it is so valuable. Inevitably, crooks and crooked people are all after the jewel when Karloff dies, and he comes back from the dead to get it himself.

I must confess that I was really confused how or why Karloff came back from the grave. And I was equally as confused as to why the jewel was so important to him. Basically, the writer needed something for everyone to be after, and hence the jewel's inclusion in the plot.

No one making this knew anything about Egypt or its cultures and customs (apart from them being "pagan"), so nothing about Karloff's burial is actually Egyptian.

None of this matters, of course. This film is all about atmosphere and Karloff himself. The plot is just an excuse for things to happen, like fist fights and Karloff strangling people.

And those things are quite fun. There's the usual hijinks, with some light comic relief. Hardwicke, Richardson, Karloff, and Thesiger all give fine performances, and the direction is top-notch, with some wonderfully gothic images on display.

However, the two leads, played by some tall bloke and some lady, are about as engaging as wallpaper paste. They are so unbelievably boring that I don't recall their names, who they were, or what motivation they had.

Both were cousins who were supposed to inherit Karloff's fortune. A romance starts up because they're two pretty people in the same place. Not cause they do anything or have any chemistry.

Whenever they come on-screen, you'll wish their parts had gone to other actors who could give something to the role, cause the script for them amounts to "they say things".

Karloff has so little screen time, despite top billing, that the film drags terribly when he's gone. Thesiger and Hardwicke do their best and are at least fun. Tall Bloke and Pretty Lady just drag the film down.

It's worth a watch, especially since you can find it on YouTube these days, but don't expect anything mind-blowing.

A Fool There Was (1915)

Saved by the Presence of a Legend

[6/10 · 8 July 2023]

Theda Bara plays The Vampire in this early film about a man who gets whisked away from his loving family by a seductress.

This isn't a brilliant film, I have to admit. A lot of it doesn't quite work so well.

I'll start with Bara, who is the main reason to watch. As soon as she appears on-screen, you get an idea of why she was such a star.

A fabulous presence throughout, she sells her role so well with the little things. Like how, when a man pulls a gun on her, she smiles at him, her body showing no fear whatsoever. Instead, she taunts him, and we don't need titles to tell us this.

It's a terrible shame so much of her work was lost. And that Hollywood was so awful to her, for her talents could surely have made her a star - had the studios been willing to help her instead of dropping her immediately.

As for the rest of the film, it is messy, at best. None of the other actors are very good. They seem on the level of very amateur dramatics, and you can hardly tell what they're doing, were it not for the inter-titles.

The direction and staging is almost non-existent, with overcrowded, messy shots that don't convey any emotion. It gives the whole film the feel of a home movie someone shot, interesting only for the period which it is in.

I realise a lot of this can be put down to how early the film is. The crew were still coming to grips to with the technology, and they would learn fast.

There are a few really well composed shots, but they are not in service of anything. They're there to look pretty.

Bara manages to take control of the screen when she's on it. Holding attention and actually acting with her entire being, much like Lon Chaney used to do. No one else in the cast does this.

The wife is ineffectual. The brother is just a man. The sister an idiot that falls out of a car for some reason I still don't quite understand.

All this leads to a somewhat listless film. Any scene in which Bara is absent may as well be skipped, for it is either of the wife being sad or the child playing with the butler. Visual storytelling is wholly absent.

All in all, see it for Bara alone, but don't be surprised if the rest of the picture doesn't live up to expectations

I also find it entertaining how The Fool is ostracised from society for having a mistress, when I am sure that he would be perfectly fine. A rich man taking a mistress would hardly have led to his servants quitting or a decline in his social standing. His wife and mistress would surely have suffered, but the man would have been fine.

Father Brown: The Serpent Within (2023) Season 10, Episode 10

The Show Just Gets Worse

[2/10 · 29 June 2023]

Jeez. I thought Mrs McCarthy was bad...

But Mrs Devine is so unbearably stupid that it gets right on my nerves. She acts ESPECIALLY dumb here.

Once again, she decides to "disguise herself" to infiltrate the criminal lair. And once again, it falls apart as soon as she gets in costume. Brenda has to save her stupid butt once again, as she gets captured immediately.

And to see people complaining about Brenda? Excuse me, your racism is showing. Brenda is awesome.

But this is as bad as every other episode of this show at this point. The writers obviously have a template to work from.

Crime is committed. Wrong person is arrested on very little evidence. Father Brown talks to them multiple times so that they can reuse the jailhouse set over and over, and inevitably, Father Brown solves the case. I swear I know that jail cell more than I know my own house at this point.

The acting gets worse with each consecutive episode. The female copper in this one was obviously told to "look shady" when she walked on-screen, so it is no surprise when she does something shifty. I discovered that it is only her second acting credit, so she deserves some leeway.

The rest of the acting is panto levels of silly. I feel like yelling "he's behind you" half the time. The mystery here isn't much of one, either. Also, Panto levels.

I have to say, the actors can't be entirely blamed, because the scripts are so atrociously written. I assume some kind of writing mill with writers all in a room typing away to come up with 10 scripts over a weekend. Booze is probably involved. Copious amounts of it.

The Brokenwood Mysteries: Shot of Love (2023) Season 9, Episode 5

Enjoying The Season, But This Episode is Poor and Boring

[5/10 · 26 June 2023]

This whole season we've had this Mike and Beth situation brewing, and honestly, Beth never really did anything to endear herself to me.

It all comes to a head here, as the two need to go to Mike's batty ex wife's place to get the divorce papers signed.

The ex-wife has a scheme, you see, to get Beth alone and unload on her all the "terrible things" that Mike did to her.

Which mostly consist of Mike doing the bog standard "working too much" thing that all TV shows do when they need some drama in a cop's family life. Apparently, Mike didn't turn up to the funeral of the woman's mother and she's held a grudge all these years, like the vindictive cow that she is.

And she is a vindictive cow. An awful woman that has cooked up this scheme to ruin Mike's new love life cause she's such an awful person.

Honestly though, since Beth is so willing to believe her story, we don't really want her around anyway. Cause she's so underdeveloped and boring that Mike is better off alone.

The mystery here isn't much of a mystery either. You can guess it as soon as the little moron kids show up and keep trying to cover their tracks like the selfish little sods that they are.

Also, I've noticed that they tend to make Kristen quite dense when they need her to be in this season, so sue misses things. Her carelessness leads to her missing vital clues more than once. Something her character wouldn't do, but they need to prolong the "mystery", even though the audience has already guessed the solution by this point - mostly cause we're shown what Kristen misses.

Honestly, the overwhelming lesson this episode teaches us is that Mike should either date Gina or not date anyone at all. Cause good lord both Beth and the ex are awful. Nails-on-a-chalkboard awful.

Let's hope we never see either of them again, hey?

Cleanskin (2012)

Sean Bean is Great in a Muddled, Confusing Story

[6/10 · 16 June 2023]

Sean Bean stars as a British spy attempting to take down a home-grown terrorist ring in Cleanskin, a film with decent action sequences, but a story trying to be too clever for its own good.

The story here is typical spy stuff of the modern age. We have a terrorist ring, a seemingly innocent boy corrupted and radicalised by a nutter terrorist, and a web of lies and secrets that gets ever more tangled as the film goes on.

It is really generic. And they try to say something about how kids are radicalised, yet the guy isn't developed, interesting, or sympathetic enough for it to have any impact.

Fortunately, Sean Bean is excellent, as always. He's a troubled operative who has seen his fair share of killing. He's tired of innocent people getting hurt and wants to destroy all those who do it - whatever their reasons.

Most of his acting is done with his face, not with words. He carries the weight of it all there. His eyes are sad and angry. His expression seemingly tired of the violence, but knowing he can't escape it.

The actor who plays the bad guy isn't as good, and comes across as a dumb fool being led around by his beliefs more than anything. They tried to make him interesting, yet he comes across as impotent. A shame really, cause the kid is a good actor. He's just working against a script that doesn't give him his due.

The action scenes are good, although a shaky camera that zooms in too close keeps getting in the way.

Then we have all the "twists" and "turns" of the story. They're not good and are very badly laid out. It all doesn't make much sense in the end, and a news broadcast tries unsuccessfully to tie it all together.

It's worth seeing once if you're a fan of Sean Bean and action. No more than that, really. The story is just too much of a mess to keep you truly engaged.

It's a shame too, since Bean makes an excellent go of it. Everything else lets him down.

Father Brown (2013– )

Some of the Worst Writing I've Seen in a While

[5/10 · 14 June 2023]

I fear this show has devolved into self-parody in its later seasons.

I'm not even going to review it, just list the issues.

The police are always, ALWAYS farcically useless. They are so badly written. Jumped up stereotypes of the worst sort, designed as stupid to make Father Brown look smarter (even though the audience will probably guess the killer in every episode long before the end).

It's just lazy writing, because they never learn. They are dumb for the sake of being dumb. And even when they get rid of one idiot inspector, they replace him with another idiot. The one in the tenth season is better acted, but still awfully bad beyond all sense.

Father Brown's helpers range from evil (Mrs McCarthy) to unbelievably stupid (Mrs Devine in season 10). Again, I suspect to make Father Brown look better? No clue.

Every time someone is in disguise, you'll see it immediately, because the makeup department is either useless or not given a budget beyond 10 quid (I suspect the latter). They have some of the worst false beards I have ever seen in any series - and that includes comedy shorts I've seen on YouTube. So there's no mystery as to who the killer is. It's the one with the obviously fake beard.

But the biggest issue with this show is the writing. It is bad. Plain and simple.

The dialogue is bad. The mysteries are hardly able to be classified as such (unless you are particularly dim). The characters are terribly written. The plots are awful clichés.

The show really pales in comparison to Chesterton's original writings, instead going for over-the-top and silly rather than anything clever. The 70s series is better acted, better written, and better produced.

I can't shake the feeling that this is a CBeeBees show for kids, even with the blood and adult themes. But even that is insulting to kid's shows.

Vendetta (I) (2013)

No Good Guys Here, Only Killers

[6/10 · 10 June 2023]

This is less a revenge movie and more of a horror film, with a lot of gory kills and pretty effectively horrifying moments.

Basic plot is, ex-spec ops soldier goes on a revenge mission after his parents are brutally murdered.

The film uses that as a launching point to explore the seedy (unbelievably so) underbelly of corruption, drugs, and murder that is modern day London.

Personally, the film's message is a bit muddled. It doesn't seem to be on anyone's side, not even Dyer's, as he's presented doing some fairly brutal stuff.

His superiors try to justify his actions, but he doesn't. He knows what he is. He's a killer. And he's being what he is.

It doesn't take a stance on anything really. Because I think it is a bit afraid to take too hard a line on what it wants to. Which is that the ends justify the means, apparently. I think?

But what is clear is that this is more horror noir than action. John Wick is revenge thriller action. This is more 70s brutality where no one is a good guy. Not even the guy we're supposed to root for.

It does have some distasteful elements. Like taking all crime as the same, requiring the death penalty, and not considering the reasons for it. Or why it happens and how to fix it.

But the gang members in this film are so vile and evil that they go beyond what real people would be.

The film also suggests that the "men who protect the country" are also all nasty killers, which is probably true.

I like that Dyer himself is presented as a killer. Nothing more. Nothing less. He's good at one thing, and the army made him that way cause they needed him to be that way. He wants a normal life, but can never have it. And Dyer also does well, playing the merciless tough guy.

I kind of liked this one. But you gotta take it as it is, and not read too much into the very troubling aspects of the messages behind it (messages I'm not even sure it has or believes cause I think they just wanted to make a violent revenge horror in the Death Wish vein, without any of the nuance).

Take it as an action film and you'll be disappointed. Take it as a horror movie where most people are vile, and you'll probably enjoy (don't know if that's the right word) it.

Also, it is quite violent, but not to the extent of Hostel. The directors leaves more up to the imagination than anything. Which is better, cause it is more horrifying than the over-the-top stuff.

Attack the Block (2011)

I Wanted the Aliens to Win

[2/10 · 10 June 2023]

Yes, yes deep social commentary with Boyega and his gang.

Yes yes they have a tough life.

But if you, as a large teenage boy, think that surrounding a lone woman in a dark alley, pulling a knife on her, and stealing her stuff is a good way to get by, then you have very little redeeming qualities.

After brutalising the blameless woman, they then attack a creature that fell from the sky and lashes out in fear and anger. They surround it and kill it, mercilessly.

And I get it. Boyega is supposed to have hidden depths and reasons for being the nasty little sod that he is. But I don't care what they are.

Because he's a killer and a man who brutalises lone women with five of his mates. In a world where women face enough horror in their daily life.

Them "making up for it" by "defending their block" doesn't make up for them being evil little sods.

And honestly, the aliens don't seem to show much intelligence a lot of the time, instead acting like scared animals in the wrong place.

So, sod Boyega's character in this film. And sod any other kid that thinks attacking lone ladies in the dark is fun or a good way to earn money.

Battlefield: Fall of the World (2022)

Good Acting & Direction Let Down by Poor SFX and Script

[5/10 · 4 June 2023]

I was looking forward to this one, since I really enjoyed the (much higher budget) Warriors of Future, another last stand of humanity against aliens picture.

To be fair, that film's budget for the buffet table was probably more than this entire production's combined, so I won't judge it on the same level.

Our story is here is pretty simple. Alien threat has landed. Humans are pretty screwed.

It all starts with humanity's last stand, that doesn't go very well at all. Literally everyone gets killed. All humanity's weapons do nothing and they tear through the troops like tissue paper.

Our hero jumps into a Hummer and speeds off, which is why he survives. To be fair to him, he's not a trained soldier, just a new recruit thrown into the thick of it. And the film deals with his redemption arc and one last ditch attempt to take out the alien scum.

It's a decent premise for a B movie. Unfortunately, it quickly becomes apparent that time and budget were working against the team behind this, as the SFX are not great. They look very early-2000s, and even if the alien design is pretty cool, it can't cover the dated visuals and oddly-lifeless explosions, which are all CG.

Even the gunshots are CG, which is fine most times, except here it is really, painfully obvious, as the extras didn't get any training in weapon handling, so they kind of just wave them about in the air and judder them a bit.

I got used to it after a while. But sadly there's nothing much else that keeps you going.

The script is pretty basic and cliche-ridden, and doesn't do much to keep you engaged. All the english-speaking actors do okay, but you can see them struggling with what is obviously their second language.

The Chinese actors do very well, giving really committed performances. If the script had been better they'd have had more of a chance. As it is, they're worth watching for what they could do next, and I hope they get more opportunities.

The same can be said of the direction, which is pretty great. Some grand sweeping shots and good staging. It's way above what you'd get in a low-budget American movie like this, which will point a camera vaguely in the direction of the actors and that will be it. Here the camera moves during the action, we get good tracking shots, and some gorgeously stages and lit vistas.

But the effects don't get any better, sadly. Which I could have lived with, if the script had been fleshed out.

It is a darn shame, really, cause you can tell everyone that worked on this worked really hard to make a decent movie. They did the best they could with what they had, and tried their darndest.

Time and budget worked against them. And that's really sad.

Father Brown: The Viper's Tongue (2022) Season 9, Episode 2

The Hateful Witch Still Doesn't Get What She Deserves

[3/10 · 4 June 2023]

Mrs McCarthy is a racist, bigoted, hateful old witch of a woman that has been responsible for more pain and hardship in this show than Satan Himself and all the murderers combined.

Yet for some reason the show seems to think any sane person would want this witch to live?

I cannot understand how this woman has lasted so many seasons when she's such an evil person.

But oh, she says sorry for ruining a man's life and for causing the death of another, so I guess that's okay then?

I can only guess that the show is watched mostly by Mrs McCarthy's, so that's why she endures.

"Listen to your heart," says Father Brown, while defending a horrible, evil woman.

What sane person gives a flying monkey? Certainly not I.

Beyond Paradise (2023– )

Couldn't Get Past Episode One

[5/10 · 31 May 2023]

All started out well enough.

A woman falling off a ladder under mysterious circumstances. Kris Marshall having fun being the same character from Death in Paradise and obviously enjoying himself.

But I have to wonder... what is with these writers and idiot, obstinate, moronic Detective Seargents?

Camille's was only barely tolerable. DS Esther tops her in every way, doing her best to be an idiot at every turn.

You'd think a woman would be more likely to believe another woman's account in this day and age. One might think they'd champion another lady and her story.

But in the first episode, DS Esther does all she can to dispute the victim's accounts, which are understandably confused (she fell from the second story and she's obviously drugged up to the gills).

She objects to the trip to the house to investigate, insisting the woman is confused and that she was alone in the house (cause there's no way anyone can enter your home when you think you're alone).

Humphrey discovers that the ladder has been moved and she still isn't convinced. Insisting that if "they agree she thought she was alone in the house then we are saying we believe in ghosts".

At which point I thought she was high. Or that the writer was.

This is a long, long way from Tony Jordan's best. The weirdly confrontational (for no reason) interplay between the lead detectives makes no sense, and makes DS Esther look like the dumbest, smuggest person on the planet.

The Humphrey family drama is painfully generic and awful. We have the annoying mother-in-law. The struggle for a baby. The inevitable rocky relationship thereafter.

Kris Marshall is absolutely brilliant. The series surrounding him, however, is absolute donkey twaddle.